No longer was I this triumphant woman doing what she set out to do. Nope. I was instantly derailed. Flashbacks of him kissing me goodbye, of me laying my head on his chest as he drove into Heathrow. Remembering the hurt I felt when I read his email saying he needed time to think through what happened on the trip and the weeks of waiting that followed. My heart started beating faster, I got dizzy. No joke. It was like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to leave that church as fast as I could to get to my computer to finally talk to him.

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The Finish Line

The third mile there was absolutely no hand-wringing on my part. I was in it to win it. Well, ok, maybe not win it. But I was in it and I was committed to doing my best. I passed a few people, even some teens. I felt strong, my body felt good, my chest was burning a little but my breathing was deep. I HAD THIS.

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A New Day

My new official motto is something I have always lived by but never said out loud or pledged myself to:

I will live my life to honor God, honor and respect the people around me in a manner that is true to who I am. And I will seek people to share my life with who do the same.
Yesterday I got on my knees in my living room and I sobbed in prayer. I asked God for forgiveness, asked him for strength to be obedient to His word. I confessed everything I knew that I did out of weakness in the last two years and left it all at His feet.

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Now What?

What should I do with this vast amount of time to fill. Evenings and weekends mostly. I do have a full time job. And yes I’ve thought about working from Panera or Starbucks or something just for some interaction but the last time I did that this guy kept talking to me who was creepy weird and kept asking a bunch of personal questions.

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Same Ol’ Night

My daughter is heart broken. Truly. I have been so good with all of this emotionally but this morning I was just sad. And she was holding me and telling me she wishes it were different. And in her 15 year old mind trying to make me feel better said…”Well mom at least you don’t have to shave his head or his ears again…”

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