No longer was I this triumphant woman doing what she set out to do. Nope. I was instantly derailed. Flashbacks of him kissing me goodbye, of me laying my head on his chest as he drove into Heathrow. Remembering the hurt I felt when I read his email saying he needed time to think through what happened on the trip and the weeks of waiting that followed. My heart started beating faster, I got dizzy. No joke. It was like I was having a panic attack. I wanted to leave that church as fast as I could to get to my computer to finally talk to him.
The third mile there was absolutely no hand-wringing on my part. I was in it to win it. Well, ok, maybe not win it. But I was in it and I was committed to doing my best. I passed a few people, even some teens. I felt strong, my body felt good, my chest was burning a little but my breathing was deep. I HAD THIS.
My new official motto is something I have always lived by but never said out loud or pledged myself to:
I will live my life to honor God, honor and respect the people around me in a manner that is true to who I am. And I will seek people to share my life with who do the same.
Yesterday I got on my knees in my living room and I sobbed in prayer. I asked God for forgiveness, asked him for strength to be obedient to His word. I confessed everything I knew that I did out of weakness in the last two years and left it all at His feet.
My daughter got her braces tightened today and got two sets of rubber bands stretching from the top to the bottom on either side but nearly in front. I tried […]
As much as my world feels like it has turned upside down. The rain tells me it hasn’t. Someone lied to me and didn’t give me the decency of a truthful explanation. That much is true. But the rain reminds me that not everything has changed.
What should I do with this vast amount of time to fill. Evenings and weekends mostly. I do have a full time job. And yes I’ve thought about working from Panera or Starbucks or something just for some interaction but the last time I did that this guy kept talking to me who was creepy weird and kept asking a bunch of personal questions.
He is not a controlling, horrible man. I just have to say that. He was defensive and mad and probably scared. But he is a good man who I love. […]
As much as this stuff was weird and scared me I was mentally not ready to even begin to let him go. Even after he lied. I was mad. I wanted to talk about it. But I didn’t want to let him go. I loved him. I was going to marry him.
My daughter is heart broken. Truly. I have been so good with all of this emotionally but this morning I was just sad. And she was holding me and telling me she wishes it were different. And in her 15 year old mind trying to make me feel better said…”Well mom at least you don’t have to shave his head or his ears again…”
Really? Just like that they wanted someone with my ability and skills to do what I do best to help them? Huh. There is a God. I swear there is a God. So next week I’m going to meet with both of these men to see what we can do to get the ball rolling. An opportunity. Exciting.