When I was in high school I ran track as I’ve mentioned before. They always used to say, “The better the team, the more you’ll be motivated.” Good competition during practice motivated you to run faster which made you faster in the long run for the meets. It makes sense. You are motivated or not by who you are surrounded by.
He thought I was sending signals that I was losing interest today. He totally misread what I had said. All along I was worrying (again) at him leaving his family and life and feeling bad about the sacrifice he was making. I was feeling selfish and wishing it could be different. At the same time I was gearing myself up for a busy weekend where I knew we’d be missing each other time-wise for our long talks. And I had a ton of work to finish for the week. Sensitive to the change, he got worried, and drove 4 hours home after a long day at work worrying about it. I knew something was up when we reconnected but I didn’t know why.
I want our relationship to be like those buildings that are 300 years old and still going strong. Prized for their age and how time has changed them instead of a building that ages and is knocked down after a few years for a newer, better version because it is no longer functioning and hideously ugly.
Each time I’m faced with a new problem, a hurt, confusion, worry, fear, I go into this mode automatically. Reviewing in my mind the past year, things we’ve said to each other, moments that are branded onto my heart. A journey is plotted like Lucy’s path as my thoughts go from one memory to the next and from one feeling to another. Sometimes its bad and I’m a little frantic thinking I will never reach that place of “knowing” I’m in the right place with how to think about a particular issue. But most of the time when I least expect it I see the ball and head straight for it and my mind is once again settled.
Now that I’ve met this amazing man who has turned my world upside down and we are talking about getting married… both for the second time. What in the world do I WANT? Are all rules off? Can I just do what I want this time?
Do you know anyone who hates to laugh? I know people who are hesitant to it, or don’t like it when someone else is laughing and they are in a bad mood. But once you get to laughing yourself, how is it not one of the best feelings in the world?
There are others in England who don’t know me, in fact have never met me, who have opinions about me because of decisions Martin has made. They see Martin changing as a person and make comments like they want the “old Martin” back. They hear he has committed his life to “the church” and worry that I’m some American nut case going to a wacko church like they’ve seen on TV. Or to some I’m just American and that’s bad enough. When we talk about how others feel about me (and we don’t very often but it did come up today) I can put myself into their shoes because there have been times when I thought Martin was crazy myself for what he’s doing.
I did have high hopes and I have to admit 2010 ended on a higher note than I had ever dreamed. But as my favorite lyricist Jon Foreman said in a song, “today is all you got now, and today is all you’ll ever have.” So I must not look back but forward. So here is my 2011 wish list:
At the beginning of the trip I hoped the days would pass slowly. Playing pool, watching a movie, cooking dinner, I prayed for the hours to drag. Every night before bed I wished the minutes would crawl so the day wouldn’t end. But driving onto the off ramp heading into the airport, I was gripping the steering wheel, holding my breath trying not to cry and counting each second, thinking if I slowed way down maybe I could squeeze out a few more with him.
Apparently Brits are more evolved when it comes to using the English language. They are more inclined to use words for example where we Californian’s (or maybe it’s just me) (or maybe it’s just women?) can’t be bothered with speaking in actual words but instead use a series of grunts and groans to communicate quite effectively with each other.