Heads I Win, Tails, I Lose


I apologize to everyone if this reads like a rehash but I have no one to talk to and this is how I process things.

I’ve had some time to think – because I’m alone almost all the time.  And I have to be honest here.  I only brought up the list of lies Martin told to convince myself to let him go.  Whatever it takes some of you might say…but since most of those lies I excused almost a year ago, for me it was a little bit like drudging up the sins of the past.  I try not to do that and I’ve almost joked about them to Martin so it wasn’t like I was holding these things against him.

But when he looked at me and said, “The boot of the car.”  to my question about where his daughter’s printer was, he knew he was lying and so did I.  When it was clear he was lying I yelled and I said, “That is it.  I said if you ever did that again we are over and we are over Martin.  It is done.  I can’t have you lying.  I can’t. ”

He said, “I lie to you because you scare people.  You treat people like shit.  And you’re delusional if you don’t think you do.”  For those of you who read my other post…I took this criticism to heart.  I never want to be accused of not being willing to look at my own failings.  But looking back I see this as a play in his part to just deflect attention from himself onto me.  I know some of you will be, “Yeah, duh….”

I didn’t speak to him for the rest of the evening and saw him the next morning with a coffee cup in his hand for me.  We were moving locations so we packed up our stuff and drove east toward London out of Wales.  He turned on the radio.

After about 30 minutes of constant talk radio I asked him if we were going to talk at all or if we would just listen to the radio the entire time.  He was very defensive.  He said things like, “When one thing doesn’t go your way you act like a baby.  And you always have to be right.”  He said, “You can never let anything go, some things don’t need to be discussed.”

Both of those statements struck me as a move to pull out what little big guns you have because the ship is sinking.  He knew I was freaked out.  Which freaked him out.  At least that is how he was acting.  I can’t imagine truly his emotional state of mind.  But he was acting like he was freaking out.

I have never been with a man who has a temper or who would use meanness as part of his arsenal.  Remember my husband was nice to a fault.  Even when he should have been mean he couldn’t bring himself to be.  So this was new.  It reminded me of my dad who was mean and yelled a lot.  But my dad was not a liar.

Later that evening we had a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant.  As we sat there sipping on the last bit of our drinks I tried to bring up the incident because I knew we still needed to discuss it.  He said that we had just had a nice meal and I was ruining the evening.  He clearly didn’t want to discuss it.

Right before we said good night I tried to bring it up again.  He said, “I’m sleepy and I don’t want to talk now.”  I was so frustrated at this point for being put off so many times I pushed a little more than I had previously.  He said, “Its rude to talk to someone when they are tired.”

So I got up, went to my computer and figured Martin would go off and go to sleep.  I texted my daughter that Martin and I were arguing and it felt really bad and that I was really sad.  She said she was sorry.  I waited awhile to see if she would get online but she disappeared into the busyness of her day.

When I turned around Martin was behind me playing a game on his iPad.  I said, “Oh I thought you were going to sleep.  Maybe we can talk now.”  But he said clearly again that he didn’t want to and that he was upset that I was on my computer.  I explained how I was just leaving him alone like he said so he could go to sleep.

He said, “if you say one more word I’m leaving.”  I was like WHAAAT?!

It was all I could do not to speak but I couldn’t.  I couldn’t, none of this made sense.  So I said, “But you were just playing a game on your iPad….”  To which he got up and packed all his stuff up and slept in the car for the entire night.  I let him.

As much  as this stuff was weird and scared me I was mentally not ready to even begin to let him go.  Even after he lied.  I was mad.  I wanted to talk about it.  But I didn’t want to let him go.  I loved him.  I was going to marry him.

I knew at that point I could be in or out.  I knew I felt that sick feeling in my gut.  The one that said run.  But we had such a great month.  Why was it ending so weird?  This was not Martin’s normal behavior.

The next morning I said…”That was weird and unnecessary and I love you.”  To which he replied among other things, “I wasn’t expecting this to be your reaction.”  We held each other.

That day we had one of the best talks we have ever had about how to settle disagreements.  We held each other’s hands, we were close.  We prayed.  He said, “What we need to do is communicate right at the beginning instead of retreating so there are’t any misunderstandings.”  I was able to explain how I don’t need to be right all the time and willing to admit when I am at fault but that would prefer him bringing those things up in the moment instead of storing them up and using them as weapons when he’s upset.

It was very real and good.  I was like YES, YES YES!  He is finally getting it!  Praise the Lord.

NOW we are getting somewhere!  Thank GOD!

Of course this hope came in the same conversation as the one where he told me he cancelled his other daughter’s dinner we had scheduled for that night but that it didn’t matter because they had tickets booked to come out a see me in a couple weeks anyway.  So I didn’t need to be upset about it.

Now he couldn’t be lying again after that great conversation right?  I had to believe him!  I asked him at least 5 times.  Is that the truth.  To which he said.  Yes, I’m not telling you when because its a surprise.

Pathological.

Heads I win, Tails I lose.  I was betting on Martin to be telling the truth.  All he had to do was do what he said he would and be who he said he was and not freak me out again.

I left with hopes the trip was the truth.  I left thinking he’s making progress.  I left with every intention of following through on my promise to him.

Then he started with the excuses.  His phone is acting up, he’s too busy, he’s tired, he can’t get connected. Then it was, I need a few days to think about the trip, I didn’t like this about you, I am still confused, I can’t talk right now.  The last email I got was I don’t want you to wait up for me I can’t talk now but I can next Tuesday.

That was it for me.  I snapped.

I was so mad for having been put off so many days without one conversation, I was the one who freaked out and just ended it.  I’ve never ended anything.  I’ve never let anyone go or cut anyone off.  This scared me.  For real.  I thought how in the world did I let this man in so deep when I can’t even trust him?  It completely freaked me out.

Martin lies, he throws flaming arrows to hurt in fights, he retreats, he doesn’t communicate.

Fundamentally we deal with relationship issues differently.  He prefers to work out things on his own and I prefer to talk them out.  I prefer to say what needs to be said now  and then move on.  He prefers to give me a story to appease me even if it s not true only to have to deal with an even angrier me for the lie later.  That does not makes sense to me.

This time, I’m on the other side of the coin.  I’m the leaver.  It feels strange.  I doubt I’m breaking his heart.  There were enough things I heard about that he didn’t like about me that he is probably feeling relieved at this point. I hope so.  I don’t want to break anyone’s heart.

But…the more I think about the last few days of the trip the more sure I am that he has some major issues that thankfully rose to the surface because of my long trip.

And in this case

TAILS – I win.

5 responses to “Heads I Win, Tails, I Lose

  1. Wow. This was gripping to read, seeing it unravel, and as you say be so WEIRD. that is SO weird, that behavior, that anger and vitriol, almost. It’s not RUDE to talk to someone when they are tired! That is so strange to say. Anyway, I think you are exactly right, you are the leaver this time, it’s on your terms, it’s smart, and I hope he realizes what he’s lost, because you are the real thing, the thing he most likely will never find again. But you, you will, and a zillion times better and more deserving. XOXO

  2. Glad you realized that the right thing is to get away. I am ending 14 years with an abuser – a man like Martin who would lie and lie and tell me that it was my own fault, that I deserved the lying because I was a bad person who is undeserving of respect. That is not true (as I see now), nor is it true that you deserved the venom he was flinging at you.
    Run, far and fast. You deserve happiness, and you will not have it with this type of individual.

    • I really don’t see Martin as an abuser. He fought dirty sometimes but mostly he treated me like a princess and probably put me too high on a pedestal than I should ever have been placed. The fall is longer and when he saw me for what I really was it shocked him I think. I see him as more scared than abusive. More selfish than conniving. He never really planned ahead for anything and most of his lies were so unsophisticated they were easily undone. He just couldn’t stop doing it. And this man tried to let me in and I think it was way harder than he realized to do “marriage” the way it is supposed to be done…where you actually SHARE a life with someone else. He’s been alone for so, so long. He just couldn’t do it. I had happiness like I had never known with him for 2 years. I’ve never been happier. In my entire life. But I think he was trying really hard to be the person I was looking for and it was very stressful in the end. The last few days was not indicative of him on the whole but it did show me what he was capable of.

  3. So weird indeed. Sadly, it also sounds eerily familiar to the end of my last relationship. That behavior isn’t cohesive with what’s happened so far so you have to wonder what in the world happened and how did you miss it?!? It’s not that he’s a bad person, as you wrote about in the next post, it’s just terribly confusing and upsetting.

    Many hugs and good wishes as you process this.

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