Same Ol’ Night

As much as I want to look forward to each new day the nights suck.  Just saying.  I’m scaring myself with how healthy I’m acting.  But I do miss him.  So much.  Every time I get a little pang I just talk myself out of it.  It’s easy with him not around.  I can’t imagine what I would do if he were right in front of me.  We both melt in each other’s presence.

My pastor broke up with his wife of over 35 years 5 or 6 times before they got married because they fought so much.  If fighting was all it was….I know we could have gotten through it.

I’m just so disappointed.  I so wasn’t expecting this.  It’s just weird.  I feel like if I thought I was living an alternate reality in England….THIS really is the real alternate reality which I guess makes things a little complicated.

I had a nice night with my family who were all supportive and I told them very, very little.  Just that it seemed like we were trying to make it happen and that didn’t feel right.  Is that vague enough?

I don’t know why I didn’t blast him.  I couldn’t.  I just see him as flawed.  He did love me. I know he did.  And he probably did most of what he did because he was weak.  I have a soft spot for weak.  My husband was weak too.  I always made excuses for him.

I need to stop doing that and expect more for myself.

One of the things Martin would say to keep me close was … kind of a fear thing…”think of the jerks you could have dated who would have mistreated you…you want to go through that?”  haha…Funny.

I get a compulsive lying man who disappears instead of communicates and that is supposed to be a win for me.

My daughter is heart-broken.  Truly.  I have been so good with all of this emotionally but this morning I was just sad.  And she was holding me and telling me she wishes it were different.  And in her 15-year-old mind trying to make me feel better said…”Well mom at least you don’t have to shave his head or his ears again…”

To which I said…”Yeah on the ears but I liked his little bald head.”  And we kind of laughed.  Kind of.

It’s 11:45 and I am in an empty house.  I’ll wake up in an empty house and part of me is okay with that and part of me is screaming for a hug.

One day and night at a time I guess.

7 responses to “Same Ol’ Night

  1. Oh Livvy, I am so very sorry. Being heartbroken is the absolute worst. I’m still living with my husband because we have a 9 month old & a 3 year old. It’s easier for me to wait & move out at the beginning of next year rather than during all of the important holidays. I feel heartbroken & so very lonely almost constantly. Nights are definitely the worst for me too. I’m so sorry that he turned out to be “one of those guys.” My husband is also a liar, from small things that don’t matter at all to all the huge things that matter the most. He’s also refuses to communicate about anything other small talk. He completely shuts down & acts as if I’m not even there if I want to talk about something even remotely important. I feel like he could have almost any other character flaws & I would keep trying to work on our marriage. We deserve so much more than half truths & only being emotionally supported on their terms. We wouldn’t let our friends treat us like that why would we let our spouses? You are exactly right, one day & night at a time. Time heals all wounds.

    • I’m so sorry for your broken marriage. Especially with children it is heart wrenching. Everyone is flawed but lying is huge because it is the foundation for trust and trust in a marriage is key. Thank you for your support.

  2. ((hugs)) <–did that help? 😉 I think you are dealing with this so well because you knew that deep down, it wasn't right. SOMEthing wasn't right. And it's a weight that lifted, even if it was a sad sad ending to something that you so wanted (and I wanted for you too!), so now you move forward, you take what you learned and apply it. And it's a brand new day ahead.

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