Forgiving Yourself

I think Dad’s in particular have a hard time with this. They blame themselves for everything because they feel responsible for everything. And when they screw up it’s their fault. When their marriage falls apart and they leave the home and don’t see their children as often, it’s their fault. Or when they lose their job or can’t provide for their families it weighs heavy on them. They start to punish themselves in destructive ways to them and to the people who love them. Some men just don’t feel worthy of their children’s love so they never come around. Some men start to drink or do drugs. Whatever it is, it is their punishment for the wrong they did.

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No One Is Perfect

I’m not even looking for perfect. I just want, compatibility, trust, and love. With my husband I thought I had all three. We liked to do the same things, I trusted him completely and I loved him. Of course all that broke down over time but for 23 years I thought I had it all. With Martin there was that crucial element of trust that was not there. Compatibility and love were off the charts. But he broke trust and while he is still striving to earn that trust back from me, I’m skeptical as are all of you that he ever will. Mercenary Guy and I simply weren’t compatible.

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Blowing up Bridges

When I told Mercenary Guy he was upset. Openly. I was honestly shocked. I thought I was doing a good thing telling him and getting his okay. He just thought I was being weak and naive. I don’t like to be told what to do and even though he wasn’t telling me not to talk to him, he was showing his displeasure. I called it jealousy. He said he was just disappointed in my weakness. And that frustrated me because in my mind I am being forgiving which takes strength. I’m not forgetting what Martin did. Over and over again. I’m not forgetting that he lied to suit his needs, let me come over to England to plan my wedding and within two weeks was living at his home with his wife again. I’m not forgetting the lies about his age, the ring, where he was at several times, the fake pictures. I’m not forgetting any of it. It’s a wound I seek to heal through forgiveness.

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I Won

Later that ounce of victory turned into a bit of remorse when I learned my ex had called my daughter and put pressure on her. His very words were, “If mom can bring him to the talent show I should be able to bring M to your concert on Sunday.” I have yet to meet M. I’ve never wanted to, In fact I’ve dealt with quite a bit of unresolved animosity toward her over the years complete with thoughts of lopping off heads and scratching out eyeballs.

But apparently today is the day. And the crazy thing is I’m starting to warm up to the idea.

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Just Friends

He is so different from anyone I’ve ever been close to. I don’t know him well enough to say what makes him tick. But in the course of that conversation, and in his willingness to listen, I could tell that he had heard me and wanted to do what was best for me which was go slower. It was an act of friendship. It was a good start.

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