Now I have “my life” and I’m happy. Truly. But I think sometimes in weak moments about what if he never texted her that he missed her on our cruise. What if her husband had never called the house angry. What if he had trusted me to love him and put him first as I was trying to do. What if things had gone differently.
This trip marked a new phase in Martin and my relationship. We have “integrated”. His kids have seen me in the morning, after I’ve driven 500 miles in a straight shot and after a day at Disneyland. I think they know me pretty well. Martin and I did our best to include everyone in everything or at least make sure everyone knew they were welcome. His kids were up for anything. My kids would often wander away to their computers to seek solace, or shade. But all in all we had a great time all together.
I’m realizing a family of 6 is expensive to feed but cheaper if you go to the grocery store and cook. My quiet days and nights alone are filled up this week with family. And I am full up. I love a full house. I love things happening in rooms where I don’t what is going on. Just hearing chatter and laughing or some music. I don’t mind the mess. I love the activity. I was laying down a couple nights ago thinking, this is special. We are all here. And all happy.
I AM NOT READY to face these girls who have been told God knows what and thinking and feeling who knows what. I’m literally filtering everything from their perspective (which I have no clue of) as if I could know it. Asking myself what would they think of this or that, or how would this make them feel. Will this make it seem like I’m trying too hard? Will they think I’m lame for this?
I never did drugs. Not once in my life. People say this song is about drugs but it speaks to me today. I was talking to Martin before he went off to bed and I said “to keep my mind from wandering” and as if on cue he began singing it. My mind has been all over the place today. I’m supposed to be working to make up for vacation days I’m taking next week. But my mind is wandering.
It costs a lot of money to do what we have done. To see each other as often as we have over the past year and 7 months. I have pleaded with him to get a place of his own but he has been adamant that staying at his brother’s and sisters place was good enough and would save him money. Despite having to speak to me from garage floors holding radiators for warmth.
A Hard Days Night
350 mile drive
Detour to Liverpool to take in the sights. Why not?
Book Hard Days Night hotel – reportedly good wifi
Martin and I are in as good a place as we have ever been. He’s done nothing like he was doing before. No more disappearing. No more saying he was too tired to talk or too busy or sick. No more weirdness. None. Could it be that he’s learned his lesson? Oh Lord? Could it be?
I told my son that sometimes he just needs to roll with the punches. In frustration he replied, “Why can’t I just punch back?” It was an honest question, he really wanted to know. That statement alone showed me how much he still needs me. And I said, “What happens when you punch something? Someone ends up getting hurt.” And looked at him knowingly. He shook his head as if he understood. Then I said, “God doesn’t want us to hurt people in our trials because we are hurting. We have to be better than that.” He got it.