Honestly I had been considering having another child. I know after what I just wrote it is clear to anyone reading this that I have certifiably crazy. But I love Harry. And he’s never had a child. And if I could give that to him…well. I would if he wanted me to. That is what I was thinking. Now, I’m realizing that I’m probably past my ability to do that and it makes me sad.
I will be honest. Today was a rough day. Had a horrible sleep but woke up and called Harry earlier than normal and had the best talk. He is so good to me. Drove into work with his thoughts running through my head. Prayed for my coworker named Buddy who is losing his battle with cancer. So hard. I got choked up at one point but held it together. Another coworker has a lump in her neck and it’s tested as likely lymphoma. And her mother who is 99 years old is also in late stages of cancer. Lots of heartache. Lots of turmoil.
But it doesn’t matter how stupid I think I am…I’m still hanging by this dumb rope and somehow I have to get myself back on solid ground. One way or another it will happen. I’m either gonna fall hard or find the strength.
Where at the beginning I would not let myself even conceive failure, now I had to face it. And it was brutal. Why couldn’t I just have been hit by a bus?
I felt like a Yenta who was chaperoning her pick for a match. I tried to get into the night just to have fun but I was miserable. All I wanted to do was be at home talking to Martin. I knew he would be worried that I was out and I hated that feeling. But my friend kept saying, “I’m so glad you are here this would be a really weird if I was just along with him.” She really did look like she was having a good time and it was nice to see her smile.
I never felt like I deserved my husband, or my job and when I lost both it was confirmation in my head that what I believed all along was in fact true. I wasn’t worthy.
There is a time for everything as the Bible says, a time to laugh and a time to cry. This is my time to cry.