Is it just me (please say it isn’t) or does everyone have lists like this that exist only in their head? I go over and over these things but its a rare day when I actually do something toward accomplishing one of them. I do eventually put my clothes away. Oh heck, I do eventually do them all I guess but I’m always saying “Tomorrow”.
Life still goes on you know? The dogs still need attention, the trash still needs to be taken out by me, the kids still fight – but I just don’t feel that enormous sense of loss that I felt before.
So my dilemma is I don’t want to hang my happiness on Martin. Yes he is wonderful. He is amazing. He melts my heart. But I have to stay balanced about this. I don’t want to want it so much that I begin needing it in order to be happy. It’s just not healthy.
Sometimes you find yourself looking for something and you don’t even know what you’re looking for. It’s like there is this emptiness inside of you. This piece that is missing.
What happened last night and today while it wasn’t pleasant was what I LONGED for in my marriage. OPEN, HONEST COMMUNICATION and not shying away from a discussion just because it makes you feel bad for a while. It was real. And I was so grateful for it. Even though I was sad, it was a dream come true.
I felt like a Yenta who was chaperoning her pick for a match. I tried to get into the night just to have fun but I was miserable. All I wanted to do was be at home talking to Martin. I knew he would be worried that I was out and I hated that feeling. But my friend kept saying, “I’m so glad you are here this would be a really weird if I was just along with him.” She really did look like she was having a good time and it was nice to see her smile.
I was a daddy’s girl. I admired my dad for many things and I knew I could go to him to talk.. He was humble and loyal and a life-long […]
As soon as I let him go emotionally and mentally I began to heal. Up until that time I left myself very open to get stomped on by him. I let him know I would never give up on him, told him all the things I thought were worth it and highlighted his strengths. But he had already moved on months if not years ago. I was treating him like a husband because that was MY reality. But he was not acting like one. He had literally already stopped being my husband. He had broke his vows AND left me for months. And at one point I found myself realizing that whatever hope I was clinging to was wrong in two ways.
Just because some guy gives you the time of day doesn’t mean you owe him anything. He must prove himself to be trustworthy, a man of character, a man who means what he says and someone with a good heart. Dating is when you test. Once you make the commitment it’s a done deal.
I remember thinking and probably wrote about it awhile back that I would trade every little thing I got upset about or made a comment about that seemed to important at the time just to have my life back. I think that is what happens to people who are used to getting their way. And honestly I was. I was used to it and expected it.
Improvised Life 