In California, a rainy day is a rarity. I woke up this morning to an unfamiliar rhythmic sound that first made me think of Chinese water torture. Which gives you a glimpse of where my head is. Then I realized it was rain. I’ve been as aloof to the news as I have all your blogs that I haven’t taken the time to read since I’ve been home. So I didn’t know it was coming. And sorry for not reading lately.
Rainy days are so rare in California that they are almost like a holiday. Kids get to stay in class and play heads up 7-up. Adults get to tear open the store-bought log and watch it burn in the fireplace and make soup. They are comforting to us as long as it doesn’t mean our pool is overflowing or the hill at the back of the house is sliding.
Today has been comforting to me. I’m sipping my coffee, doing my work like every other day but there is a quiet coziness today which I need. Thank you God.
I spoke to Martin on the phone last night. His voice melted my heart. LOVE is all I felt. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. Crazy.
But seeing that I’m not an idiot, I didn’t let the fact that he answered derail my reason for calling. I told him something that I’m not yet prepared to write about that someone had told me about him. He said it was rubbish. He reiterated that he was just upset that we fought so much, started to cry, and told me he had to catch a train.
I told him it looked really bad from my end. That it wasn’t normal behavior to disappear and that the lies were looking more and more ugly.
He had to go. We said good-bye. Maybe for the last time.
At least I was able to tell him what I know and hear his immediate reaction to it. I don’t know why I needed that but I did. For all the jerk-wad stuff he pulled I can look at him as a flawed, misguided, lonely man and I’m not angry or bitter for all my hurt cause I know I’ll be better off than him in the end. Not that I don’t get angry at times about it. I do.
As much as my world feels like it has turned upside down. The rain tells me it hasn’t. Someone lied to me and didn’t give me the decency of a truthful explanation. That much is true. But the rain reminds me that not everything has changed.
The smell of wet pavement, the trickle sound down the drain pipe are things I KNOW are real and connect me to the me before I was rejected by my husband or this man who I thought I knew but now seriously question. The drips connect me to the me who was a precocious little girl who thought she could solve the worlds problems.
I am the same little girl who used to spend rainy days on my grandpa’s lap as he lay dying of cancer. I used to let him twist the hair on my arms with his spit until there was a big knot just cause it would make him laugh.
I’m the same girl who marched into the principal’s office to report an unfair and sexist rule on the track field. The same one who got elected to Phi Beta Kappa honor society as a fluke. The same one who got hired in the best school district in WA state and got tenure within 6 months even though I was pregnant and in the hospital.
I’m the same girl who schlepped my children in and out of car seats telling them that a little rain won’t hurt them when they fussed and just to prove it took them out to the front yard to spin around and dance in it while we laughed and threw leaves at each other.
The same one who ended up producing a weekly television program for channel 5 in LA because she wanted a fun part-time job that turned into something much bigger. The same one who has stock photos being rained on, mounted on billboards around the world for everything from new housing developments, to dog-training classes.
I’m connected. I’m not upside down. I’m the same person. I KNOW who I am: the same person I’ve always been. The one who Martin knew. The one my kids know. The one my God knows.
So I have more than many people do if I know who I am. And this rainy morning has reminded me that I’m pretty great just being me.
I will pull this post out and read it when I get hit with my next wave of self-doubt that I also know will come. For now, I’m grateful for the reprieve from sadness and the feeling of despair.