Sometimes I look at these other moms “doing” the “right” things and I start judging myself. But then I think…there are so many teenagers who don’t talk to their parents or spend time with them. And then I realize that even though I don’t do those things…I’m probably doing an okay job.
But I kept seeing God’s hand in it and I kept inching along forward. Trusting even though I was afraid. And it’s amazing where you end up when you let the Lord lead.
I hope it gives some people out there encouragement to trust God with what’s happening in your life. And not hit the abort button too soon.
It might seem like a strange way to spend time after a memorial service and reception but for us it was making him proud that we weren’t wallowing about.
Martin is at Heathrow airport ready to board his Virgin Atlantic flight to O’Hare any minute now. His meeting is Friday. We are simply hoping for the best. Praying he will not only get the job but they will want him out here sooner rather than later. Because we’ve been in a terrible holding pattern ever since the first job was eliminated. We were so ready to be eating dinner every night together, running together, seeing each other every day. And this last month has been a true test of our patience and trust in the Lord.
I only want to be a part of his life. I feel so far from it. I visited the once and met his brother and his best friend. Other people have only heard about me. I have this deep, really deep need to know more about him in the context of “his life”. I miss him.
I’ve been so proud of myself lately for all my emotional hurdles I’ve seemed to have managed to surmount without falling on my face or disqualifying myself from the race. I’ve given myself pats on the back for the patience I’ve learned. How well I dealt with Martin’s change of plans. How well I dealt with my divorce. I’m not stupid enough to think I’ve “mastered the game” but I figured I hit some kind of plateau and was enjoying the sense of accomplishment.
But God has ways in this life to teach us that we are never done learning what is truly important. This week I’ve had some tough lessons.
Right now I am feeling a little bit like I’m caught in a riptide. My life is moving forward with the divorce and all but it’s in this really odd holding pattern with Martin. No matter what I do it won’t make him moving out here come any quicker so I am talking to myself often, and telling myself to ride it out. Don’t panic.
I got the papers in the mail just now. My first reaction was, “Oh wow! I did it right!” I did the whole divorce myself without the help of my ex who is truly my ex now and without the help of any lawyer which saved thousands of dollars. I feel strangely serene at the moment. I feel like I should want to cry but I can’t bring myself to it. A good sign I think.
OK – this is my true test. I’d like to get through this weekend without lots of tears and feelings of loneliness. I will be alone. First time since the a week before the cruise, the kids are going with their dad. I was expecting Martin to be here and I had visions of us buying cheap couches and plastic utensils at the 99 cent store for his apartment but now I will be alone.
So today isn’t really an ending as much as it is a beginning. And I embrace it. While I once embraced it because I had no other choice, now I want it.