I think I’m stronger than I am. I tell myself I won’t get hurt and when I do I’m surprised. I’m a fighter. I can’t help it. And I’m way too trusting and as Harry says it, I would give Hitler the benefit of the doubt. I disagree with him, but I get his point. And maybe he’s right in theory. I want to believe that people are as good. I want to believe they work under the same set of fairness rules. But they don’t.
I had an email interaction with Martin yesterday. He asked me if I thought the opening ceremony was lame and asked if I was doing ok. He apologized for how he handled himself the last time we had words. I have mixed emotions about this. I guess I’m glad he’s come around and is calmer and less mean. But I also don’t want him sucking any bit of life out of me ever again. Opening myself up to any form of communication has the potential of him doing just that. I loved him so much but he did not recharge me. He was not good for me. And I need to be very careful I don’t allow him the opportunity to hurt me again.
Then I said in a very candid moment, “You know what I don’t get?” Thinking about my insecurities I wrote about yesterday. I said, “Everybody tells me how pretty I am, how I look younger than my age, and how blue my eyes are. And they say how I’ve got so much to offer with my talents and abilities and the fact that I have two great kids. But if I’m so great, how come I’m alone tonight and Daddy is with a women who is older, not attractive, shallow, and is whiney. And Martin is back with his wife who is not attractive and was described to me as cold-hearted and unsociable?”
‘m owning it all the same because I know this about myself. So I went out to buy new clothes yesterday thinking I would impress him more if I figured out how to dress nicer. I picked up my house and told him so, hoping he wouldn’t think I’m an inept housekeeper. I’m trying to find ways to get higher marks. What could I cook him this time that he really likes? How can I make myself more or less available so I don’t seem needy or too independent?
You train for every conceivable scenario playing out when you’re a soldier so that no matter what hits you, you’ll have a plan of attack. Everything that takes training is […]
Ladies buy purses from street vendors in New York City that say the right name on the outside but they know they are fake. They buy them because they cost […]
My friend’s house burnt down tonight. She likely lost all of her professional photography and most of her personal possessions. Melted hard drives.I hugged her as best I could. […]
We are creatures of habit and we gravitate to things that are familiar. We are human beings, that’s what we do. We seek order in chaos, comfort in pain, and we want people who are like us around us so we feel like we belong.
I woke up this morning and my skull hurt. My eyeballs felt like they were bulging out of my head. My throat was dry. I could hear my son’s feet […]
It appears I’m in a catch 22. Either way, for right now, I lose. My heart is broken because I love Harry so much. He is everything I’ve ever wanted. While we don’t agree on everything we have a deep connection because we treat people and need people in almost identical ways. We are a rare breed. I’ve never met anyone this close to who I am at my core ever before.
Improvised Life 