Don’t Open the Door!


I think I’m stronger than I am. I tell myself I won’t get hurt and when I do I’m surprised. I’m a fighter. I can’t help it. And I’m way too trusting and as Harry says it, I would give Hitler the benefit of the doubt. I disagree with him, but I get his point. And maybe he’s right in theory. I want to believe that people are as good. I want to believe they work under the same set of fairness rules. But they don’t.

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Drain or Recharge?


I had an email interaction with Martin yesterday. He asked me if I thought the opening ceremony was lame and asked if I was doing ok. He apologized for how he handled himself the last time we had words. I have mixed emotions about this. I guess I’m glad he’s come around and is calmer and less mean. But I also don’t want him sucking any bit of life out of me ever again. Opening myself up to any form of communication has the potential of him doing just that. I loved him so much but he did not recharge me. He was not good for me. And I need to be very careful I don’t allow him the opportunity to hurt me again.

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The Top of the Apple Tree


Then I said in a very candid moment, “You know what I don’t get?” Thinking about my insecurities I wrote about yesterday. I said, “Everybody tells me how pretty I am, how I look younger than my age, and how blue my eyes are. And they say how I’ve got so much to offer with my talents and abilities and the fact that I have two great kids. But if I’m so great, how come I’m alone tonight and Daddy is with a women who is older, not attractive, shallow, and is whiney. And Martin is back with his wife who is not attractive and was described to me as cold-hearted and unsociable?”

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Confessions of an Overachiever


‘m owning it all the same because I know this about myself. So I went out to buy new clothes yesterday thinking I would impress him more if I figured out how to dress nicer. I picked up my house and told him so, hoping he wouldn’t think I’m an inept housekeeper. I’m trying to find ways to get higher marks. What could I cook him this time that he really likes? How can I make myself more or less available so I don’t seem needy or too independent?

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At a Crossroads


It appears I’m in a catch 22. Either way, for right now, I lose. My heart is broken because I love Harry so much. He is everything I’ve ever wanted. While we don’t agree on everything we have a deep connection because we treat people and need people in almost identical ways. We are a rare breed. I’ve never met anyone this close to who I am at my core ever before.

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