Then I worry that I’m fated to love this man and that it was so natural and happy and good that it will ruin me forever. And I won’t be capable of letting someone else in. I will constantly be comparing and I will also be constantly suspicious. I don’t want to go through the rest of my life this way and HE DID THIS.
Last night I had a million dreams. But one woke me up. There were hands coming out of black and grabbed me and sucked me into the black. I took a breath like I was going to go under water and woke up gasping. Today has been rough.
My family did not take the news well. They are always full of opinions and the claws are coming out. They are angry for the hurt I am experiencing because of him and aren’t holding back what they think I should do. I shared this fact with my daughter who promptly sent out an email. She told me she did so and I asked to see it after she sent it. I couldn’t believe what she wrote.
I hoped it was because we were meant to be together. It sure looked like it. My heart still melts when I think of him. That stupid elephant my daughter bought us is staring at me on the bed and it looks like a cross between Alf and that cat from Shrek with the big sad eyes. I can’t give in. I can’t. This is too big. He showed me I was pretty. He showed me I was loveable. He showed me madness in his one-mindedness to be with me. It blew me away. But God wants balance. I tried to tell him. I tried. And now its all a mess. A big huge hurting mess. And my ex doesn’t have a job. I don’t have insurance. And I need to keep my head above water again. And I will. Because Jesus is with me. He won’t let me drowned. I know this.
I got suspicious and started asking more questions. I asked him to prove to me that he was really divorced and that he had the money in the bank like he said. These were two fundamental things that if he had been telling me the truth about would be easy for him to prove. I felt bad for having to ask. But I was compelled to.
He put me off for two weeks.
I am difficult.
I need to keep myself in check and I’m trying but every now and then something slips out. “Why did you take that road? Why did you call first? Why did you wait til the last minute to book the hotel? Why don’t you email them now? UGH LIVVY….shut up! Let him do what he wants.
It used to be that the blows made me feeling knocked down and barely able to stand. Now I’m stronger in the adversity. Like the oak tree living on the cliff who has to grow up facing the wind everyday instead of the protected trees inside the forest. My roots have dug in to keep me upright and it’s working.
I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and disoriented. But safe in my bed. Thank God. It was a dream. A horrible dream. I had to keep going full speed ahead because if I didn’t I would surely die.
I went over and over it in my mind as I lay curled up in a ball under my covers, holding my pillow with my arms. Crazy. I can only imagine why I dreamed it. Am I that afraid of what lies ahead? Or it could it be Japan.
I have friends who are truly single and on multiple dating websites. And it does seem that everyone has a story and not a good one about guys they’ve dated. Past tense. One guy wouldn’t drive up a dirt road when he picked up my friend who he was taking out to see a musical because he had just cleaned his car. So even though she had just taken a shower, she had to walk on the dusty road out to his not so chivalrous self. One guy was a stand up comedian and all he did was crack jokes that weren’t funny all night. One blamed my friend for a cold sore he got on his lip. One drove a taxi (on dates) and lived with his mother. One broke up with a long-term girlfriend the day he asked my friend out. None of these guys lasted very long and I have yet to hear of anything coming even close to the euphoria that Martin and I have felt this past year. I know it is rare. I know it is even rarer to have lasted as long as it has. And rarer still when two people live 6,000 miles apart.
I had some old pictures, these notes, rubberbands, and highlighters all spread out on my bed in piles so they could be put into the correct and appropriate place and and just beyond the piles was the “Before You Remarry” workbook and my stuffed elephant. And I thought. What a strange life.