These last few months I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my motivation is. What is my goal? Other than trying to make each decision in a godly way, I do believe it is up to me to decide what I want.
I don’t love casually. I looked into the eyes of my ex tonight who seemed lost. He left me. He cheated on me. When it became clear that he was not willing to repent I took the necessary actions to divorce legally. I did not do that lightly. But I still love him. Because I am loyal and honest with him to this day.
Emotions are like that sometimes for me. I think there is no way he’ll get to me again. For goodness sake it’s been 3 1/2 months! But the warnings are real. Emotionally speaking I’ve been sucked in again. Sucked into the tumult of the waves being tossed from the extreme feeling of hate and contempt back to love and compassion. Sucked into the noise. That awful, loud, white-noise of excuses, reasons, explanations, plans, promises, and solutions. It’s confusing. Sucked into the fear and hope that simultaneously pulse through my body. Sucked into this feeling, even when I’m so angry I can hardly see straight, of being home with him.
People tend to place much too much emphasis on chemistry instead of friendship and some are afraid that if you start the relationship as friends it will be stuck there forever more. I think chemistry is important too but not acting on it. Sure attraction has to be there…but if you put the physical before the friendship you are almost ensuring a short-lived romance. Because chemistry has no endurance. It fizzles over time and becomes stale.
I think I’m in a tug of war with myself subconsciously. I know God wants me to be alone right now. I don’t know for how long. In actions I am being obedient. Mostly. But I know right now I have to get to that place internally where I am at peace with my aloneness. It’s the one thing I’ve avoided doing ever since my ex left. Being truly alone and content there.
Some say, there is no greater pain than to lose love. Some say you can die of a broken heart. And there is this time period when it feels like that is true. It hurts so much. I can certainly attest to that. But I’m starting to see my way through this pain. And part of what I’m learning in this journey into being single is that there is something very odd that happens when two people become a couple.
I’ve experienced some regression in the past couple of days. I really don’t want to lay it all out there but it has to do with rationalizing and remembering and […]
With book in hand my first dilemma was which nightstand lamp to use. So I turned on both. Then I realized if I had some water I would be too far away from it to grap a sip. There are benefits to being on one side or the other apparently. I did notice how much more firm the middle of the bed was in my 15 year old mattress.
I was talking with a friend a few weeks back who has emotionally recovered from a very hurtful end to her marriage. She is not concerned with dating and is fairly content with her day to day life which does not include a man. I asked her where in the bed she sleeps. And she told me she sprawls out all over the middle of hers. And it made me wonder if there is a connection between where we sleep in the bed and whether our hearts are holding a space open for a new man. If we truly are content how we are should we be able to let go of that space? Maybe it’s just a force of habit and it has nothing to do with our hearts. But maybe there is a part of it that decides every night to keep that spot open.
I’m finding that so many things in life are like that. Once you improve something; like your waistline or your spiritual life, you have to keep at it. It’s not enough to do a good thing one time. It has to be maintained or you will lose it.