Maybe after 43 years I’m getting what I’ve always known I needed. Someone from my neighborhood however conventional that makes me. Maybe I always knew I needed someone who I could connect with on that level? And someone who I would not overwhelm and who could see my strength as a positive and not a negative which would allow me to be me.
I drove down to San Diego so we could have dinner together for my birthday. I got to his hotel before he was off work and waited for him in the lobby. As he walked in I saw that he had sunglasses on and a new shirt but man, as the doors opened I thought…wow, that is a really handsome guy. And he’s mine. MINE?! I walked over to him and nestled my head in his neck and gave him a big hug and kiss. His hugs rule. His arms are so massively huge and he’s so broad verses me being so tiny that he just envelopes me. It’s awesome.
The moon rose higher into the sky, the stars twinkled, and my pool light slowly faded from blue, to green back to blue. Just as I was about to start my last 10 lengths of the pool a song from Phantom of the Opera came on and memories came flashing into my head and I found myself listening to the long instrumental introduction and treading water in the middle of the pool.
My old church looks a bit like a mall. Big buildings and lots of people everywhere. Good lighting, great sound system, big stage. We both took deep breaths when I turned the ignition key off in the giant parking lot. We sat there for a minute just looking at each other as if to say, “Well, here we go.” This was a big deal.
I’ve had a couple of email interactions with Martin this week and it’s got me reflecting a little bit on what happened to us. We were so close to getting married and then it all blew up. There were many reasons for this but I had already established a pretty pathetic pattern of allowing him to lie to me. He’d lie, I’d find out, I’d get mad, then I’d forgive him and try to believe all his excuses and after a little while things would be generally back to normal. As bad as the lying was, it did not break us up.
When I was a busy mom working a 60 hour per week job that had me busy 6-7 days a week I was too busy to breathe let alone care […]
Lots of people I know are going through lots of hard things. My colleague who is ill with cancer is not improving. He smiled one day after 5 weeks in […]
As cool as it is to see my visits on my blog hit 30,000 today…I didn’t do any of this to be noticed.
I never was overly concerned with being popular. What I wanted more than anything was to be genuine.
I just wanted to reveal my true self and not pretend to be anything or anyone I’m not.
We went to a shopping mall on Saturday and put our name in at a busy restaurant but the wait was long so we went into a few stores to browse. In the lighting section of Pottery Barn his big hand grabbed little fingers, he nestled his head down close to mine and started to slow dance with me. Melt. I forget what song was playing but we just stood there dancing…it was so sweet. He asked me later if I minded that he did that. I don’t care who sees. I don’t care if they think we are weird. It was sweet. I loved it.
I can’t put into words how I feel about Harry but there is something very different about it. I was preparing dinner when he got to the house and he opened the door and said, “Honey I’m home.” He was a complete vision of everything I wanted in that moment. Strong, manly, handsome, sexy, loving, caring, did I say sexy? Yeah. He feels like family to me. Like home. He lifted me into his arms and we kissed and I thought again, “Am I dreaming? Can this really be happening? This is really going to be real?”