My Future


I drove down to San Diego so we could have dinner together for my birthday. I got to his hotel before he was off work and waited for him in the lobby. As he walked in I saw that he had sunglasses on and a new shirt but man, as the doors opened I thought…wow, that is a really handsome guy. And he’s mine. MINE?! I walked over to him and nestled my head in his neck and gave him a big hug and kiss. His hugs rule. His arms are so massively huge and he’s so broad verses me being so tiny that he just envelopes me. It’s awesome.

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All I Ask Of You


The moon rose higher into the sky, the stars twinkled, and my pool light slowly faded from blue, to green back to blue. Just as I was about to start my last 10 lengths of the pool a song from Phantom of the Opera came on and memories came flashing into my head and I found myself listening to the long instrumental introduction and treading water in the middle of the pool.

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Where I Draw the Line


I’ve had a couple of email interactions with Martin this week and it’s got me reflecting a little bit on what happened to us. We were so close to getting married and then it all blew up. There were many reasons for this but I had already established a pretty pathetic pattern of allowing him to lie to me. He’d lie, I’d find out, I’d get mad, then I’d forgive him and try to believe all his excuses and after a little while things would be generally back to normal. As bad as the lying was, it did not break us up.

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Why Not?


We went to a shopping mall on Saturday and put our name in at a busy restaurant but the wait was long so we went into a few stores to browse. In the lighting section of Pottery Barn his big hand grabbed little fingers, he nestled his head down close to mine and started to slow dance with me. Melt. I forget what song was playing but we just stood there dancing…it was so sweet. He asked me later if I minded that he did that. I don’t care who sees. I don’t care if they think we are weird. It was sweet. I loved it.

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Am I Dreaming?


I can’t put into words how I feel about Harry but there is something very different about it. I was preparing dinner when he got to the house and he opened the door and said, “Honey I’m home.” He was a complete vision of everything I wanted in that moment. Strong, manly, handsome, sexy, loving, caring, did I say sexy? Yeah. He feels like family to me. Like home. He lifted me into his arms and we kissed and I thought again, “Am I dreaming? Can this really be happening? This is really going to be real?”

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