As much as I’d like to think I’ve changed since my divorce, and I have. I’m still the same person at my core and because of that I still want the same things. Whatever normal is for me that is what I crave. I guess that is what we all crave…whatever normal is for us. We are creatures of habit and we gravitate to things that are familiar. We are human beings, that’s what we do. We seek order in chaos, comfort in pain, and we want people who are like us around us so we feel like we belong.
My status quo was interrupted. I was a Christian wife and mother who worked at her church, loved her family and friends and just wanted to do a good job at everything. Hopefully good enough to have a little fun too and maybe a vacation once every couple of years. I identified so strongly in my role as wife and mother that these last few years have just made me feel really …not normal.
We are adaptable to a point but adapting stresses us out. And I’ve been in major adapting mode since 2007. Certain good things have come out of redefinition. I’m healthier, happier, and I truly am more confident and independent. I’m stronger in my faith and smarter about a lot of things. All very good things. Stress can be very strengthening. I’ve created this sort of, new normal. But it’s like a good pot roast, or baked chicken. Comfort food makes you feel good in a way that no other food can manage. And in my dreams I want that comfort food.
When it comes right down to it…being completely honest. I want my freaking life back. And before you say anything I KNOW…I just know…so don’t say it. This is more what I mean…
I want a man to come home every night and eat dinner with me and then spend the evening with me. I want to wake up on Saturday and do something fun, or productive together. I want to go to church on Sunday and then be somewhat lazy. I LIKED MY LIFE. Every time I see an opportunity for that to be real in my life again I gravitate to it, I foster it, I want it.
Maybe all my growth and acceptance in my singleness is really a sham? No I don’t think so because I love the new me. I love all the things that have risen to the surface. The running, the fun-spirited stuff I find myself doing now, lots of good things.
But I don’t want to date around. I want to have a partner. I want to be settled. I want to put logs on the fire and watch a movie. I want to paint a room. I want to plan a day trip. And to my credit I have figured out that I can do much of what I want to do now and not wait for a partner to do them with me. I can invite girlfriends, or even do them alone. But I CRAVE to have someone there who I can lean over and kiss, hold their hand, and know we are it for each other.
I’m unapologetic in this. This is want I want. Thankfully I don’t want it so badly that I’m willing to ultimately deny myself true happiness to get it. I let Martin go. I had to. High School Guy and Mercenary Guy were not a good fit. But Harry is my Harry. He is a very good fit in lots of ways. In some he is not.
Other than the faith issue…his schedule and his life prohibits me getting what I want. (That sounds very selfish but…craving stuff is usually kind of a selfish motivator…and I’m being honest and yes…this blog post is about what I want.) So maybe unwittingly I push him in the direction of normal…I push for time, I push for a semblance of normal but truly he is in no place to give it. Not right now. I don’t know when either. And that is not ideal. Thankfully he craves this normalcy too and so he doesn’t feel pressure in a negative way when I asked for time. He wants to give it and he seeks me out every spare minute he gets. And that makes it bearable for me. I’m not to the point of being needy or manipulative about it. But I do wish we had more time together.
When we do connect. Wow. It’s just fantastic in every possible way. So much so that when I saw him yesterday…all my fears and worries and struggles about the faith issue became secondary to our friendship. We laughed, teased, spent time looking at a home store, ate, drank, kissed, talked, watched a movie, ate some more…gooey, hot pizza that burned the roof of my mouth. It was just too good to wait. It was like a dream…it felt so...normal.
He is my Harry and I am his. I don’t see any other way around it. Something’s gotta give at some point. For now….maybe it’s best to be patient and honor the friendship we have despite our differences. It is so very rare to find a deep friendship like we have. Attraction will diminish over time…but our friendship really does remind me of the couple from the animated movie, UP. We just really like being together. Period.
Maybe the future I crave will be with Harry. I’d like that…somehow. I’d like that very much.