I woke up this morning and my skull hurt. My eyeballs felt like they were bulging out of my head. My throat was dry. I could hear my son’s feet as he walked down the hall. My fan’s quiet motor hummed blowing a gentle breeze my way. My laptop lay open next to me on the bed. One hand reached for my glasses and the other hand tapped the keyboard to wake up my true best friend, my computer. My eyes couldn’t focus at first but a google chat box was open and I read:
me: Harry? am I losing you?
Harry : I wish I could fill u the right way. I wish I was the man that could truly fill both your heart and soul. And not be the one people target to denounce your faith. I want to be your everything.
Harry: I’m sorry
me: sorry I fell asleep
Harry: Its ok
And then I remembered yesterday. My eyeballs hurt from all the tears. I was up all night.
Harry called me before work, during work, while he was at lunch, on his way home from work. At least four or five times today. It was almost like maybe he wanted to feel close to me. Like when you just want the hand of the person you are with when you are walking through a big crowd and each time your hands part…you strive to touch any part of them so you just know they are there.
We talked about everything and about nothing. Things that were important and silly things that didn’t matter. We just needed to talk.
I told him I wanted to see him. And he asked if that was in a good way or a bad way. And I said seeing him was always good.
I get so much from his thoughts. He is the first man I’ve ever been with where I am dying to know what he thinks. Regardless of the subject, regardless of where I am, I’m always wondering…I wonder what Harry thinks about this. Cause I don’t have to agree with him but he helps me think. And he likes to bounce ideas around like I do. I love that part about us and its the very thing that makes me comfortable because he respects what I think.
He wanted to know why this one thing disqualifies him from marrying me. He said, I was more knowledgable and stronger than most Christians and that there is no way he would try to pull me under. He said these rules are for the weak, simple-minded Christians who don’t know why they believe what they believe.
I told him it wasn’t a good enough argument to say that I was strong enough to withstand our differences without doubting my faith. God wants to give me the best and that would be someone who would share my faith not be against it because no matter where you are along the path, there is a line and all people are on either one or the other side of the line. And their answer as to who Jesus is matters.
He was angry. Not at me but at his disqualification. He said it’s like having sucky grades but a rocking SAT score. What he is lacking in one area he thinks his strengths should be weighed evenly as far as criteria for worthiness. He didn’t think it was fair knowing there were so many other qualities that he has that other men don’t, that he was willing to do everything a husband should and could do for me, better than I’ve ever experienced before but he won’t even get the chance because of this “one thing.”
When he said that, my mind jumped to Philippians chapter 3 because in it Paul says he does “one thing”. That chapter spells out how different…radically different…. my goals and purpose in life are to his. I read it three times after we hung up from the phone.
Every question he had today, I gave him the most loving response I could. When I didn’t know something with confidence I told him I would look up a better response and let him know.
It is good to wrestle with these ideas. Especially if you believe that where you land on the answer of whether they are true or not leads to salvation. And I thought of Paul from that Philippians chapter again and thought that it’s only when you really believe the gift of salvation through Jesus as real and true that you can even begin to fathom the dedication of thanks and obedience you are willing to pour out as your response.
We leapt from one subject to another to another. We made each other laugh, smile, tear up, and when he got sleepy we lingered. He said how different I am from most girls. Something happens to his voice when he is talking to me, his woman instead of his friend. His voice is so loving and tender it feels like a hug. And then he got really quiet and he almost whispered a sad groan saying, “I love you.” And I said, “I know.”