Have you ever loved something so much that you were afraid you loved it too much? You think about it constantly, you dream about it, you think about how great it’s going to be, you are a little bit scared to get it but you want it so very bad. I was like that when I was pregnant with my son. I wanted to see his face and hold him in my arms and be his mommy. And I was almost paranoid that something bad would happen to stop me from ever having the experience. I would pray for him to be safe and for him to be born healthy and grow into a happy boy. In my prayers I would remind myself that he was a gift, that he was not mine and that he was not put on this earth to make all my dreams comes true. But boy was I excited.
That little boy is turning 16 in a week. His birthday is actually on Mother’s Day this year. The year he was born my water broke at a Mother’s Day picnic. I was in denial the whole day because I had absolutely no contractions. He was born May 9, 1994. So very long ago. Despite the arguments we’ve had over the years and how independent and mature he’s become, I still am afraid I love him too much.
And now I’m in this enviable place again of anticipation. I’m so excited for Martin to move to California. I’m so excited to get to see him everyday. I’m so excited to begin our lives together. I’m so excited and I want it so much I’m afraid I want it too much. I think about it constantly. In the car, in the shower, in bed, while I should be working, at the grocery store. And this is big for me to admit because for those of you who read my blog since November, when I first met him, I was very cautious. I liked him a lot but I didn’t want my heart to get too involved too soon. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I was afraid. But since my trip to England. I’ve just thrown caution out the window and decided to enjoy myself.
But now I’m afraid that I’m going a little overboard because it’s like once you let open the flood gates the water is just rushing in and you can’t close them again no matter how hard you try! I LOVE HIM. I want to marry him. And I can’t believe I’m saying that after all the crap I went through the last three years. Where is this optimism coming from? Optimism that this is all going to work out. He is going to move over here and be able to buy a house, we are going to get engaged, he is going to be happy here, my kids will embrace him being a part of our lives, we will get married and living together will be a joy! Haha! It almost makes me laugh. How can I possibly be the same person who described her life as living in a big dark pit that she couldn’t climb out of?
So my dilemma is I don’t want to hang my happiness on Martin. Yes he is wonderful. He is amazing. He melts my heart. But I have to stay balanced about this. I don’t want to want it so much that I begin needing it in order to be happy. It’s just not healthy. Mind you, we are both like this. And I guess that is the part that is good. If I was the only me obsessing than I would be a psycho girlfriend but since he’s doing it too it makes me feel like what I’m doing isn’t that bad!
I just have to keep praying and reminding myself the same thing I did when I was anticipating my children. Martin is a gift. He is not mine and he was not put on this earth to make my dreams come true. He is this amazing person I get to share my life with. And I get to love him for everything he is. His job is not to make me happy.
Sometimes I think the pursuit of happiness is very selfish. And you can get drunk with it or you can need it like a drug. People become a fix. And if you aren’t careful you start using them in that way. “You didn’t call…I needed you to call…when it didn’t happen I got sad.” We start expecting things from the people we love, we expect them to make us feel a certain way and if it doesn’t happen somehow it’s their fault that we aren’t happy?
No. I have this gift that I’m going to cherish. It’s this man who has a life. And I don’t want him to ever lose that life for me. It’s important. And I don’t want to lose mine for him either. But when you are this crazy in love…it’s like it takes a conscious effort not to.
He called me just now…just while I was typing this blog <CRAZY> and here’s why…
He’s in Scotland today playing on St. Andrews golf course. It’s where they play the British Open and its very famous. He was so excited I think he updated his Facebook 4 times before he ever played. He was like a kid waiting to go to Disneyland. He was so happy to tell me that he played 3 over par overall and he got par on the first hole and birdied the 18th. He even got claps from people watching from the clubhouse. He was on a high. A huge high. And in the midst of that high he said to me, “This place is crawling with Americans and the only one I want to be with isn’t here. I thought about you constantly today, every minute and for me to say that while I’m playing golf at St. Andrews is pretty big. But I miss you so much and I love you so much and I know you don’t like me to say this but I just want to be with you.”
He used to be a professional soccer player in the UK. He was young and he blew out his knee after about 6 years of playing and was devastated. He got married, got a real job and had two kids. His marriage was less than ideal and he was lonely for a long, long time. After they were separated and his kids were grown and had lives of their own he started playing golf with some friends. And golf became the thing he looked forward to. That was his “thing.”
I said how great it was that he played so well and that I was glad he had a life! And he said this. He said, “Yeah I’ll always have a life, and I’ll always have my hobbies and do things but they won’t mean everything to me anymore now that I have you.”
So I will keep praying that I don’t hold on too tight. That we don’t lose ourselves in each other. And that we just keep focused not on our own happiness but each other’s. And I’m just going to enjoy this place right now. Enjoy knowing that he’s somewhere in Scotland thinking about me. And I’m somewhere in California dreaming about him. And while its hard to be apart. It’s also amazing and wonderful to get to share so much and so deeply from such a great distance.