Have you ever lost something because you put it away, only you didn’t put it where you usually put it because that was no place really at all, just kind of lying around? So you find a new home where you think it will be safe and then you end up forgetting where you put it? Ugh. I do that more times than I care to admit. I found my iPod last night, well technically my son found it. It had been missing for over a month and it was tucked in a slat on a wooden letter organizer I have hanging up between my kitchen and family room. Right there in the midst of everyday life. Almost under our noses. Crazy. But I was so happy once it was found. I let out a big, “Woo hoo!”
But sometimes you find yourself looking for something and you don’t even know what you’re looking for. It’s like there is this emptiness inside of you. This piece that is missing. My pastor often talks about how God fills a void in all of us because we are all created to love God and until we find Him we have that piece missing. And I do believe that to be true. But I have God. I love Him and have a very strong, intimate relationship with Him. Since I was 19 years old I have been walking with the Lord. Sometimes not as close as other times but walking for sure. Doing my best to honor Him with my life and my choices.
In my life there has been something I could never quite explain that I was looking for in addition to having God in my life. There was a sense of tension and a feeling that something was not “right”. It manifested itself in bad moods, complaints, sarcasm, and general pessimism. I was always trying to find it and went about trying new jobs or new hobbies. I would analyze my relationship with my ex and tell him how I thought we could be better. I suggested things we could do in all areas. I was bored I think. I wanted more. I was fidgety, kind of always looking for something else. I never ever considered that I was with the wrong person.
I never believed in the concept of a soul mate. I was cynical I guess but I just didn’t. I was married to a man who I loved but who I knew was not my soul mate. At the time of our marriage I remember telling my good friend that he was “good for me”. That is how I described why I was going to be married. Having said that I don’t think our marriage was doomed. We could have made it work. I think that if you get married you should try. And I think God will bless your relationship if you put in the effort and honor the commitment. I don’t think that any marriage is easy. But there were moments in my marriage when I felt so alone. It wasn’t that things were hard. I could do hard. It was that I felt lonely. I didn’t know what to do about it. I certainly never considered leaving. Ever. And my life would have been just fine had everything worked out. It wasn’t a bad life. But it wasn’t complete and I knew it.
It was like there was something missing. One time in particular was right after my daughter was born. I was going through some postpartum depression and I felt so down, and maxed out. I was working full time as a teacher and commuting and my mother-in-law lived with us and I felt like I had to be this perfect wife and mother and perfect teacher and I had an 18 month old on top of that. It was hard. And I remember one night right before we were going to bed just crying and telling him how hard it was and how lonely I felt. And he just said, “Well, what do you want me to do? I don’t know what to do.” And I realized he truly meant that. He didn’t have a clue what I needed and he didn’t know how to give it. I told him I need someone to tell me it’s going to be alright. Just hold me and tell me we will get through the hard part and be better for it. And then he just said, “Well, you know all that already you just said it.” And I just shook my head and told him good night. Something was missing.
Martin has been pushing himself to wake up early and stay up late to talk to me. He is crashing tonight. So tired. He got 4 hours sleep last night, met with clients for dinner, drove about 300 miles and it hit him. It’s 7PM in England now and he’s laid out on his hotel room bed sleeping while I type this. And I know that with him I feel at peace.
He does for me 6,000 miles away what my husband could not do lying in the bed next to me. He gets me. And I get him. I said in my last post he was the man of my dreams and I meant it. It’s not like I had a check list and he met every criteria. It is that when I am with him I feel whole. And I’ve never ever felt that before. I have found what I didn’t even know I was looking for. But when you find it you know. And I believe too that you find it when you least expect it. And that you are less likely to find it if you are seeking after it. Partly because your idea of “perfect” is not going to be who it is in the end. And if you close yourself off to other options you might miss out.
There is nothing missing anymore. My heart has found its match. I know it. I know it. It gets confirmed every day. It’s like we complete each other. And whatever was lost before has been found.