Why don’t people listen to warnings? Easy answer. They don’t believe the risk. They think people are overreacting and nothing will happen to them. What are the odds? So instead of taking heed, they linger hoping for a bit of a story to tell the grandkids someday. The more they linger the more they get lulled into believing they have safely defied the experts. And as they walk along the beach, all of a sudden the waves get sucked back into the sea. There is this odd sense of quiet before they see the wall of water approaching them, much too fast to manage escape. They can see it coming. They know what they’re in for but it’s too late. They get sucked under. All they can do at this point is ride the wave and hope they come out alive.
Emotions are like that sometimes for me. I think there is no way he’ll get to me again. For goodness sake it’s been 3 1/2 months! But the warnings are real. Emotionally speaking I’ve been sucked in again. Sucked into the tumult of the waves being tossed from the extreme feeling of hate and contempt back to love and compassion. Sucked into the noise. That awful, loud, white-noise of excuses, reasons, explanations, plans, promises, and solutions. It’s confusing. Sucked into the fear and hope that simultaneously pulse through my body. Sucked into this feeling, even when I’m so angry I can hardly see straight, of being home with him.
The war is with myself. With the embarrassment which stems from pride that I let this happen to me in the first place. And with the knowledge that so many people know what he did I would be a laughing-stock and not respected if I forgave him. Certainly not now and I will not. I refuse to forgive him to the point of absolution. No. He has to prove what he’s saying and that will take a very long time and will take consistent effort on his part.
But my heart and my head remembers the little things that are so easily dismissed by others as “the good part” as they remind me of the “bad part.” I tell myself that most people would never have put themselves in the position he was in and he was stupid. Yes, he was very stupid. In many ways. And why would I invite that back into my life when I have so much going for me? Why am I utterly optimistic with the people I love? Why am I a stupid woman?
It would be so much easier for him to leave me alone. Forget about me and date someone from his own country. But he’s still applying to jobs in America. He’s working out the details now for himself to retire early. He’s telling me moving back to his house and his wife were acts of a desperate man who merely needed a roof over his head after being homeless for two years. That she understood that it was only for the holidays…..that he did not use her or her hopes that he would return…that he never once even hugged her…and only slept on the couch. That his girls saw their misery and now they “get it” when they didn’t get it before because it was hidden from them. That they all know he lost me and they see what losing me has done to him.
I’m tossed by the current, upside down and all around. I begin drowning. And I panic myself. How can this be? How can this be true? How can it not be true? He says he will prove it. He says lots of things. But what will he do?
And then I begin to focus on an anchor.
Maybe his heart is genuine. Maybe he means what he says.
But that is when the anchor gets closer and I grab a hold of it.
Maybe.
But I’m done feeling brave and stupid. If he means what he says he has to prove it before I will entertain any thought of ever even looking him in the eye again, let alone letting him back into my life. It would take a miracle. And I cling tight to the safety of that anchor and pray for strength to hold on. Pray for strength to withstand the pull of the tide of my emotions that keep whirling around me.
I can’t imagine how many people are shaking their heads back and forth as they read this. Like I did of the people who stupidly drove the shore in Indonesia when they heard a tsunami was on its way. Idiots. Stupid, stupid people. And maybe I AM stupid for listening to that voice that says…let him explain. But it’s honest. It’s what is really happening. It’s emotional for me still only because there was so much good. All the good stories I’ve written about our connection and all our good times were not figments of my imagination. That was AS real as his lies and his weakness. At least that’s what I tell myself.
I don’t want my strength to come out of pride from embarrassment or injury. I want my strength to come from wading through this torrent of emotions until I am safely on the other side of this pain.
And maybe that means watching him drown as I hold onto my anchor and losing him forever. I know I can’t save him. It’s beyond me. It’s up to him and God’s will. All I can do at this point is watch and wait to see what happens to him. Maybe as I watch he will finally be up to the task of facing the truth in his life. Maybe I’ll get to see a man learn from his mistakes, repent, and actually turn his life around? If I didn’t look I would miss it.
Whatever the outcome I will either be relieved and so very happy or I will grieve. Either way I have to resign myself to the emotions of it and not try to hide, because there is nowhere TO hide.
I’m already in the water.
Improvised Life 
This post makes me so sad. Martin is a liar. He has lied from the very beginning all the way to the end. He has lied about HUGE things and little things. For every lie you found out there are 10 you didn’t find out. He will continue lying. It has worked for him his entire life and he will not stop now. All his pleading and promosing are the acts of a desperate man and as soon as as he isn’t feeling that desperation he will go back to what comes naturally to him. You deserve more. You deserve better. You have and are being abused by him. Don’t you think a woman who has been physically abused by a man has the exact same reasoning that you are using now? He did things to you that make it so the good times don’t count anymore. Think about the example you are setting for children. Your son will think it’s okay for him to treat women how Martin has treated you and your daughter will think it’s okay for a man to treat her that way. I know that is not what you want for them. You may be tired of being strong but you are not only being strong for youself. I’m sorry if I’m coming off harsh but being an outsider looking in I can say without a doubt that you are only setting youself up for more hurt. Who knows how many days you have left here on earth. Are you really going to waste them waiting on Martin to prove himself? He will only prove what you have known all along. Thay he is untrustworthy and only looking after himself. I honestly wonder what his wife’s side of the story is. She probably suffered what he put you through except it lasted 30 years. Do you want to spend the next 30 years doing the same?
Thank you for taking the time to write. It does mean a lot to me how much people don’t even know me care. I understand the profile of a liar. He lies from insecurities not control. It is still lying and it is still hurtful. But I do not feel abused in any way. I feel wronged surely. But not abused. If you could see the kind of life he has lived in the last two years which I did…you would still stay he was wrong and selfish in many ways but certainly not all. He cares more that the people he loves, namely his children don’t hate him and he does not give people enough credit for handling the truth so he tries to paint a prettier, simpler, easier picture without much tactical planning and it usually blows up in his face. Stupid yes. Weak yes. Very. And not attractive to me at all. But that does not mean I stop caring about what happens to him and it does not mean I can be cold in my emotions toward him. I know I have to be strong and let him dig his own way out of his hole and not rescue him in any way. This is all on him. That is why I wrote that I will watch him drown if I have to. I will. I hope it doesn’t happen for his sake.
You may or may not want to hear my two cents worth, but here goes my first penny’s worth: I believe that forgiveness helps the wronged far more than the person who did the wrong thing. In my experience, forgiving allowed me to put away the negative energy I desperately held on to–that thing that made me come to identify myself solely as “the victim.” I cannot explain how it came to me but one day I finally realized that it was really his problem, not mine. And I forgave him for his weaknesses and I slowly, in baby steps, moved on to my future, not forgetting what happened but learning lessons from it. My second penny: Do not get caught up in what other people think. Instead, think long and hard about what you have learned and what you want and need in your life and what is good for you. Heed the lessons that you have learned. You are the only one walking your path.
Thank you for your advice and caring. I have not seen myself as a victim in this. I see him as the victim of his own weakness and I see this whole entire debacle as his loss. Truly. I am sad. But I know this time – it is his loss. My ex broke my spirit. But Martin just broke my heart.
At this point I am watching to see what he does. I’m emotional because it is still raw. For some reason I don’t think first of myself as a woman who has been wronged by a man or as a victim in any sense but I think of him as MY friend. I am other focused. That is my faith and my conviction. In my life – I have had several friends do some pretty horrible things to me. I have called them and him out for what was done and pulled no punches. But I have always dealt with it (ultimately) with grace and forgiveness and find that years later it has done both me and them good.
I think he is on a journey as we all are. I want to see how it ends. I’m willing to count the cost to see it.
My children are seeing a woman who while she loves, she does not place herself in the place of doormat to be stomped on but also does not presume to withhold a path of repentance and reconciliation because of a scorned or bitter heart. I am living my life and it is not on hold. I know the likelihood of him triumphing over years of habitual lying is a stretch. But it would be out of character for me to not believe it is possible.
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