Many people believe there is one person meant for us who is our true soul mate and nothing we can do will change who that person is. We will find them and then it is our job to hold onto them. Romantic comedies and tragedies alike feed off this belief. Think Serendipity with John Cusack. While I have experienced the euphoria of falling in love and not being able to fathom life without that person, I can’t say I buy into the whole philosophy.
For one there are no perfect people. And before you counter that statement with, but there is a perfect person FOR YOU. I say bull. Every single person out there has flaws and you stick around a person long enough you will see those flaws and I guarantee that some of them will get to you. They will grate to the point of distraction at times until you have to consciously decide that you can either live with them or you can not. But there is compromise in every relationship. It really depends on how much you are willing to accept or not which determines successful relationships. That is aside from communication and honesty which are also integral.
Also, we have so many parts of ourselves that no one person can fulfill them all nor should they shoulder the pressure to. I have had relationships that compliment different strengths, hobbies, beliefs, quirks, and appetites. Where one person I can speak for hours about my love of history, about family and relationships. One I can sit and watch movie after movie and laugh and another listen to music we both like. One will go happily to a museum or shopping and another on hiking adventures. But when and where one person falls short you have friends and family to fill in the gaps. One person can not nor should not fill them all. That is way too much pressure. And it also sets expectations way too high.
Finding your soul mate also presumes that somehow because you were meant to be together that life with that person should be and will be easy. And I’m just saying flat out that living with another person every day and night is not easy no matter who they are.
Since becoming single again I have had a few conversations with a few men. All from different backgrounds, and with different qualities. Some I’m attracted to and others I’m not. Some are super smart and savvy while others are sweet and simple. All of them want to take me out for coffee or something. Most of them I’m not interested. All of them I’ve put off for now.
People tend to place much too much emphasis on chemistry instead of friendship and some are afraid that if you start the relationship as friends it will be stuck there forever more. I think chemistry is important too but not acting on it. Sure attraction has to be there…but if you put the physical before the friendship you are almost ensuring a short-lived romance. Because chemistry has no endurance. It fizzles over time and becomes stale.
That is one of the reasons I find myself a horrible candidate for the dating world. Friendship takes too long to build and I’m afraid our culture has not groomed men to be patient.
There are layers to people. And almost everybody looks good on the surface. Good enough anyway to find out more. Some aren’t for you and you know it right away. But because my dating criteria is more internal than external, more about connection than chemistry it takes time for me to find out if someone is worth the effort or not. You-know-who and I were friends first. There was definite attraction but for months all we could do was simply share stories and talk. But the more our friendship burned into romance the more he tried to make sure nothing jeopardized it to the point of lying to me. I was his soul mate and he decided he couldn’t live without me. Even after seemingly rejecting me, he has come full circle and is saying that once again.
He is fighting to prove himself worthy. Even begging it seems for me to not shut the door and lock it. He promises he will show that he can be a man of character even in tough situations and that he has learned from his mistakes. I am not convinced. In fact I’m skeptical at best.
I do have a vested interest that the people I love succeed. I want to see them succeed. And the more people I let into my world I realize – most just won’t. But there is a shred of hope I guess.
There truly are only a few gems out there who’s traits, mannerisms, and values match to compliment your own. When you find someone who does, it is special indeed. I do believe in love. I do believe in life-long love and commitment. I do not believe it is easy. It can only happen over time through a special kind of friendship. That is the only time you know for sure. If after everything is said and done you still would rather be with that person more than anyone else on the planet because you can trust them and you find them to be faithful, loyal friends.