And So It Goes…


So I kept staring at Harry today, listening to him talk and every now and then kissing him or letting him kiss me. When I’m with him I feel like time stops. It’s the best feeling in the world. When I study his face I know deep down that he’s in my life now forever come what may. He’s part of my heart. I love him. I know me. I know what that means. I’m not sure I know what it means for him. I’ve made the mistake before of transferring my value system onto the expectations of someone else and it kept me from being able to even conceive of the lies that I had to deal with. I would never lie like that therefore he would never lie either. I was wrong. Dead wrong. And I don’t want to be wrong again.

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Tsunami Warnings


Emotions are like that sometimes for me. I think there is no way he’ll get to me again. For goodness sake it’s been 3 1/2 months! But the warnings are real. Emotionally speaking I’ve been sucked in again. Sucked into the tumult of the waves being tossed from the extreme feeling of hate and contempt back to love and compassion. Sucked into the noise. That awful, loud, white-noise of excuses, reasons, explanations, plans, promises, and solutions. It’s confusing. Sucked into the fear and hope that simultaneously pulse through my body. Sucked into this feeling, even when I’m so angry I can hardly see straight, of being home with him.

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Only Hope


In the past I have hoped for outcomes, most notably my father’s healing, and the healing of my marriage. My lesson learned from that is that I can not hope too tightly for a certain outcome. I can and will pray for it. But my hope is in the Lord. And ultimately no matter what happens in my life, I know that I will be okay.

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