Did I Say Too Much?


I’m a no holds barred kind of chick. Not that it has to be intense all the time…no. It just has to be real. And ugly skype webcam images are real. I just don’t have hang ups about it. I cringe as he does to things we think aren’t flattering, but I know a married couple where the wife has not seen (SEEN) the chest of her husband because he will NOT take his shirt off. Really? No. Not me.

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Endings


God knows what he is doing not giving us the endings of the story He has for each of us. It’s like Martin said, we don’t really like to watch the movies when we already know the endings. I’m sure we would invest ourselves differently if we knew and probably miss out on many opportunities to learn, grow, and experience life. And I’m reminded too that sometimes when we think something is an ending it is just a pause in the story.

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My Heart Today


Poor Martin. He is so busy lately. So busy. And he is always making himself available to me, going over and beyond what is reasonable to expect, like getting up at 5:30 AM just so we have longer to talk when I have to go to bed early for a work day. And all this effort is met on Skype by me with tears. I told him today that I’m not sad, but the tears pouring out of my eyes left him with a confused look on his face. There is not much more he can do. He’s maxed out.

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Connection Lost


At one point I waited around for an hour on Saturday morning thinking he would be “right back” after a disconnection. He was having trouble logging onto either Wifi or 3G, Skype or Facetime, I even got a text and a real land line phone call that day. I kept checking and re-checking, calling and hanging up dropped calls. I finally had to leave for the store so I could finish painting my daughter’s furniture and room in 100 degree heat. We connected the second after the roller was filled with deep eggplant colored paint. YES. Frustrating. But I painted and we chatted and it was okay. And the room turned out great.

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Flashback


It took WAY longer than I ever wanted it to. But I’m convinced there is no way around pain. I had to deal with it. It was brutal. But eventually I did. It was almost one year later that I started writing this blog, took that walk with my friend in the park, and started wrapping my head around my new reality. The pit I had been in for so, so long was finally disappearing.

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Meshing Our Two Worlds


He is more three-dimensional in my mind than ever before. His girls did that. They made him more real to me like I’m sure my children have made me to him. They put him, his being, in context with the rest of his life. Like a sentence does to words or a paragraph to a string of sentences. You see the context and you understand better. I know I know him better now for the visit. I know I understand what he is giving up better now than ever before. And that makes me feel horribly guilty and causes me to think about ways I can give some too so its not all him doing the giving.

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