I’ve said conversations about Ex’s are lurking around corners in new relationships but they do more than that. It’s one thing to talk about old relationships to learn things about […]
I’m a no holds barred kind of chick. Not that it has to be intense all the time…no. It just has to be real. And ugly skype webcam images are real. I just don’t have hang ups about it. I cringe as he does to things we think aren’t flattering, but I know a married couple where the wife has not seen (SEEN) the chest of her husband because he will NOT take his shirt off. Really? No. Not me.
I’ve said before that When Harry Met Sally is one of my favorite movies of all time. I love the banter. The idea that two people who are very different can […]
God knows what he is doing not giving us the endings of the story He has for each of us. It’s like Martin said, we don’t really like to watch the movies when we already know the endings. I’m sure we would invest ourselves differently if we knew and probably miss out on many opportunities to learn, grow, and experience life. And I’m reminded too that sometimes when we think something is an ending it is just a pause in the story.
Poor Martin. He is so busy lately. So busy. And he is always making himself available to me, going over and beyond what is reasonable to expect, like getting up at 5:30 AM just so we have longer to talk when I have to go to bed early for a work day. And all this effort is met on Skype by me with tears. I told him today that I’m not sad, but the tears pouring out of my eyes left him with a confused look on his face. There is not much more he can do. He’s maxed out.
At one point I waited around for an hour on Saturday morning thinking he would be “right back” after a disconnection. He was having trouble logging onto either Wifi or 3G, Skype or Facetime, I even got a text and a real land line phone call that day. I kept checking and re-checking, calling and hanging up dropped calls. I finally had to leave for the store so I could finish painting my daughter’s furniture and room in 100 degree heat. We connected the second after the roller was filled with deep eggplant colored paint. YES. Frustrating. But I painted and we chatted and it was okay. And the room turned out great.
Martin has been sick this past week. And as great as our relationship is and believe me it is getting more relaxed and stronger and deeper by the day…sickness has made it more difficult. That is just honest. It is not really a complaint.
It took WAY longer than I ever wanted it to. But I’m convinced there is no way around pain. I had to deal with it. It was brutal. But eventually I did. It was almost one year later that I started writing this blog, took that walk with my friend in the park, and started wrapping my head around my new reality. The pit I had been in for so, so long was finally disappearing.
He is more three-dimensional in my mind than ever before. His girls did that. They made him more real to me like I’m sure my children have made me to him. They put him, his being, in context with the rest of his life. Like a sentence does to words or a paragraph to a string of sentences. You see the context and you understand better. I know I know him better now for the visit. I know I understand what he is giving up better now than ever before. And that makes me feel horribly guilty and causes me to think about ways I can give some too so its not all him doing the giving.
Now I have “my life” and I’m happy. Truly. But I think sometimes in weak moments about what if he never texted her that he missed her on our cruise. What if her husband had never called the house angry. What if he had trusted me to love him and put him first as I was trying to do. What if things had gone differently.