Crappy day. Very crappy day. But. And this is a big but. It was also a great day.
I have to come back to this song today. Because the lyrics just hit me again in a different way than how I posted them last time. This song […]
Broken relationships create this need for amnesia in ones life because remembering is too painful sometimes. But I don’t want to stop the memories.
I want a gigantic quilt when I die that includes the pieces and fabric that made me who I will be. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. I want to stitch each square in as it unfolds so I don’t forget to remember. I know it won’t look designer. Too many different colors, textures, weights. But it will be true. It will be me.
Just a quote as I read before bed from Virginia Woolf “…as she saw…the cloud moving and the tree bending, how life, from being made up of little separate incidents […]
This is what life is all about. And one of the reasons I’m still with Martin as he goes about his business, seeing what he has promised to me and his girls through. Making right out of the wrong. If I stick around I can celebrate with him his growth as a man, a father, and as a child of God. If I left I would miss out in that. Sometimes. Sometimes, it is worth sticking around.
I knew I was excited and happy about Martin in my life. It has been the greatest gift to me I have ever received. A man plucked out of obscurity to become my hero. My best friend. I knew that was big. But what I didn’t realize or maybe haven’t been focused on are all the other aspects of my life. SO MUCH is better than it was 4 years ago.
It might seem like a strange way to spend time after a memorial service and reception but for us it was making him proud that we weren’t wallowing about.
Whenever he would ask me if something looked okay, I would always start with..”Hey, yeah it looks great.” But there was usually a but. A small but…but a but.
I waited my time in that cocoon. And oh my, was that time painful. But I let God do his work in me. I looked deep within myself and know I could have been a better person, I could have been a better wife. I see myself for the sinner I am who is completely dependent on a savior, on Jesus for any hope of being good and holy and righteous.
feel like I’ve been at a busy intersection for a while. I’m so anxious to get passed the hurt and pain that I lose site of the fact that there is a process to healing. Steps to mourning. And even though progress is slow, there is progress, and I’m inching forward little by little.