he moment you hang suspended in midair just after being pushed into a pool of water there is this sense of reckless abandon. What’s done is done. In less than a second you know, your entire body will become enveloped in a rush of water that is much colder than expected. It will invade craters in your head shocked by the submersion, muffling your senses toward an oblivion you had only imagined in dreams before. Or were those nightmares.
The reality of my life right now is also something I just have to accept. It’s not everything I want. Yet. I am being taught in this time of transition to have patience. My son is leaving home in January. My daughter will most likely be leaving home in September. And I will beginning a new reality then.
It’s hardest for me when things aren’t settled. And my life has been anything but settled for 5 years.
I think I’m in a tug of war with myself subconsciously. I know God wants me to be alone right now. I don’t know for how long. In actions I am being obedient. Mostly. But I know right now I have to get to that place internally where I am at peace with my aloneness. It’s the one thing I’ve avoided doing ever since my ex left. Being truly alone and content there.
My daughter is heart broken. Truly. I have been so good with all of this emotionally but this morning I was just sad. And she was holding me and telling me she wishes it were different. And in her 15 year old mind trying to make me feel better said…”Well mom at least you don’t have to shave his head or his ears again…”
Three years ago I was a busy mom with too many things on my to-do list and not enough time. I had three people who needed me. Three people I […]
I only want to be a part of his life. I feel so far from it. I visited the once and met his brother and his best friend. Other people have only heard about me. I have this deep, really deep need to know more about him in the context of “his life”. I miss him.
OK – this is my true test. I’d like to get through this weekend without lots of tears and feelings of loneliness. I will be alone. First time since the a week before the cruise, the kids are going with their dad. I was expecting Martin to be here and I had visions of us buying cheap couches and plastic utensils at the 99 cent store for his apartment but now I will be alone.