In four days my name will change and I will once again be a wife. No more single life. I will bring into this marriage all the wisdom I’ve learned from being single. Everything I’ve written about here on Improvised Life will be woven into the wife I want to be for Harry. I know I’m not the same person who began writing in October of 2009. When I began, I didn’t know where the road would take me. Each step along the way was truly improvised. But like a great piece of jazz music the improvisation followed a structure. There were times when I would sit back and enjoy wherever the solo would take me. The high notes, the low notes, and everything in between were rich, full, and bold. There were other times when I just wanted the song to be over already….but each note meant something. Each note taught me to be a better person.
So I bring it all with me into my new married life not as baggage but as wisdom.
Being single for the past four years has been a challenge for me in lots of ways. At first I was just afraid to be alone. I was used to relying on someone to help me through life. Practically speaking I had no one any more to help pay bills, help with the kids, help fix things that were broken. Emotionally speaking I had only myself to count on and I didn’t even know who I was. It was a process. In the beginning I cried every time my kids left the house with their father. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know how to be alone.
Now, I’m alone a lot and I almost like it. What petrified me before now brings me a level of comfort. I eat what I want, drink what I want, sleep when I want. I’m healthier, fitter, and happier. So why get married? There are a million reasons why I want to marry my Harry. I could go on for ages and have written about it many times. But there is another side to this story, another reason I can’t wait to get married.
While being single has caused me to grow and change in very good ways, it’s also been filled with dilemmas. I know that most people don’t know the real me. There is a side of me that I’ve hidden from view even here on this blog. As honest as I’ve been about everything I write – I do value my privacy and I don’t typically divulge intimate moments. But as a woman who has been married most of her adult life…AND who is a very committed believer in Christ…my sexuality has been the biggest struggle for me as a single person – because I’m very sexual. It’s a huge part of who I am and when you’re single you are supposed to turn it off and save it for your husband. I realize this seems backwards to many people because the world sees being single as a free for all. But I’ve never ever thought that way. Dating for me is only worth it if you see the goal line and can picture yourself there with that other person. So it’s serious business that involves baring my soul and giving my whole heart to someone else – it has never meant anything casual.
I can’t tell you how much I poured over Scripture, prayed, and wrestled with desires while being single. My own set of rules were difficult and nearly impossible for me to live up to. For me and for many Christian women sex is not a hook to entice a man with so he will marry you while dating, it is the most precious gift to give your husband once your married. It’s the one thing he gets from you that no one else gets and it should blossom in marriage not become stifled. No holds barred.
And this girl can’t wait. I can’t wait to tell Harry with no reservation, no guilt, no shame to take me and I can’t wait to feel my husband’s body wrapped around my body. I will be his completely – forever. For me, marriage is freedom not a ball and chain. Our wedding night is going to be very special because of this for both of us. It will truly be a spiritual experience.
I love this man so much. I hope and I pray that we will not lose this incredible foundation we’ve laid. Harry once said to me, “Livvy, I’m going to tell you something and this is big so listen. Every big thing I’ve done in my life – sports, school, my job, relationships, marriage – I’ve entered in everything with a measure of doubt. Marrying you is the one thing in my entire life that I’m doing 100% with no doubt.” When I’m in…I’m all in. No holds barred. And this time – this man – my Harry – is getting a woman who is confident, independent, and who has learned the true meaning of love.
In four days we will begin a new life together and it will take us places we have no idea. It will surely challenge us, lift us up and grind us down. But in everything, as in life, it will perfect us into the people God wants us to be. And there is no one else on this earth I would rather experience that with.
The songs will keep being played, it’s just going to be a duet instead of a solo from now on. And it will be everything it’s been up to now only richer, fuller, and crazy bold.