Sometimes life has this way of putting us in our place. We can build, and work, and plan, and think that we have everything under control and then something happens unexpectedly that reminds us whatever control we think we have is temporary at best. A storm swoops in and rattles us.
When Dorothy was knocked unconscious during the tornado in Kansas she woke up on the other side of the rainbow in the land of Oz. She went from a place of darkness, trouble, poverty, and pain to a magical place full of promise. Only the promise was inflated, overrated, and the magic was only hocus pocus. Even with its mysterious, colorful hope there was evil and danger lurking. All she wanted, all she could think to do was to get back home. WHY?
Because that’s where she felt loved and safe. Even in the midst of the trouble.
I’ve been overwhelmed lately with thoughts only because there seems to be so much happening around me. I like to think about things and there are just simply too many things to think about and I’m losing mental control. On the outside everything is fine. But on the inside, my brain is racing to catch up. If this happens then this and then that but there are so many variables right now there is no way to project fully.
I’m considering a move, selling my home, or not, renting it, or not, fixing it…the money…the time…getting married…when…or waiting til spring. But I don’t want to. And money, my car, all the repairs, my medical bills, the money, the money I’ll lose after I’m married, the location, will it be too cold?
And then my kids and I had conflict this weekend and then my sisters decided that there was something wrong with me and went on the attack…all of a sudden I felt very defensive and tired and a little defeated.
My last tornado dream after a 15 year stint of having them was one that had feet like Fred Flintstone walking away from me. It was the only tornado ever to leave me instead of come toward me. I thought that meant that the tornadoes represented my ex cause it happened around the time he left the house.
That was almost 4 years ago.
I was with my ex yesterday. He dropped me off to pick up my car. I had to endure the 99 Cent Store with him and my daughter for about a half hour but it wasn’t that traumatic. It wasn’t traumatic at all. Not sure if that was the trigger or not.
But last night I had another tornado dream.
Maybe the tornado is always something different. Whatever thing I’m worried about the most, whatever it is I’m afraid of.
99% of the time I’m looking through a window and see it first. They are always different in character, size, and shape. This time it was very cloudy and very very big and muddy looking like there was a lot of dirt in it. And this time I was very afraid. At first I didn’t know what it was and then I looked more carefully and started warning the other people in the room who this time I didn’t know very well and aren’t people I know in real life at all.
I ran into a hallway in the house and hunkered down waiting for it to hit. Peeked out to see the wind whipping things around outside but it never directly hit the house. I stood up to look outside and just as I did a huge tree branch came through the window and took out a wall of the house. It was a wall I had noticed previously and had posed someone up against because it was so pretty. Now it was gone.
The feeling I had yesterday was upsetting. It was a familiar feeling though distant. Since dumping Slimeball I’ve been growing much more confident in myself. Since my ex left I’ve learned that I can manage on my own and doing things my way is just fine. All the years feeling like I wasn’t good enough have all but disappeared with my Harry. But that feeling of not being good enough hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. I had to defend myself, my choices, my life.
Only this time was different. This time Harry backed me up. I had back up. Truly. For the first time in my life I had someone arguing on MY behalf. Because HE KNOWS ME BETTER. And I can’t tell you how good that felt.
The wicked witch imprisoned Dorothy. Made her feel powerless. But the Tin Man, the Lion, and the Scarecrow risked everything to free her. And the whole struggle was all for one thing. To get back home. Despite the problems that were waiting for her…it was better there because there she was loved. Somehow all of it didn’t matter as much as knowing someone loved you so much to have your back.
I launched myself onto his lap last night after dinner and put my head on his chest and cried like a baby. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head and told me how much he loved me. He told me what he said, and how he defended me and how he would always be my friend first. Like Dorothy waking up on her bed surrounded by the people that loved her. I was home. Where ever he is. I’m home.
And that tornado last night can try as it might to rattle my cage but I know in my heart that I’m right where I want to be. There is no place like home.