I’ve been thinking a lot about timing lately. Harry and I are nearing the end of our wait to begin our new life. There are a couple of key pieces that need to fall into place for concrete movement to occur. Harry is frustrated with the wait. A couple of nights ago we had a pretty heavy conversation about it and I ended up praying for peace in our hearts as we trust God through this time of waiting that in His perfect timing it will all come together.
It’s the necessary condition of our humanity. Our wills often get in the way of God’s perfect plan due to impatience, pride, obstinance, immaturity, short-sidedness, to name a few. It’s the tug of war against our own free will and the working out and unfolding of events that we have no control over. And I admit it is frustrating.
But it’s one lesson from the last four years that I have begun to put into actual practice. I am practicing being present in the moment. Accepting reality and enjoying the good.
Sometimes people become disgruntled with the lives that are a result of their own making and doing because they keep expecting something that is absolutely unrealistic either from their circumstances, or the people around them.
I knew a man once who was very much like this. It was Slimeball. He was in a marriage that bored him and did not satisfy him in various ways. He met me and sought earnestly to change the reality of his life. He was an unstoppable force. I cautioned him nearly continuously to be patient and not put the cart before the horse. I cautioned him about doing things in the right order and allowing God to work through events. But he would have none of that. He sat in church with me on many occasions where the theme to the message of the sermon was idolatry. I couldn’t believe how often that concept came up. I knew God was highlighting it for a reason.
I cautioned him that he was putting his plans before God’s plans for him. He was putting me too high on a pedestal. He was denying reality because he wanted what he wanted.
For those of you who don’t know. That relationship ended badly. He lied about almost everything to keep me. He was in an over 30 year marriage that he continuously denied. But he had this vision of how he wanted the story to end. And he hurt many people in the process trying to keep that vision as long as he could. Knowing full well…it would probably NEVER become a reality. It was selfish.
No matter what he did, who he spoke with, or what he professed…God’s perfect timing and plan was not to be thwarted. Slimeball’s motivations were impure. And he did not prevail. Instead, his evil ways were unveiled and he had to contend with the consequences of them.
Despite being very confused during that relationship because of all his lies. I kept pointing us and him to balance, reason, God, submission to God and warning him against the covetous behavior I saw. I KNEW something was off. Something wasn’t right. Yes, it made me very angry at times. I was not perfect but I knew something was very, very wrong.
As soon as I found out that he was still married for real and even living in his home with his wife during our relationship, I broke off our engagement and relationship. I mourned the loss of something that never even existed and it took me a long time to get over the emotional damage he inflicted on my life.
But two years later, I thought to check his Facebook page and I see pictures of his wife and he smiling on vacation in Greece. Him saying he is blessed to be there and is having a good vacation alone with his wife…not his girls. And my heart knows without a shadow of doubt that he was horribly rebellious against God all the time I knew him. He is now, where he should have been all along.
I only pray that it is not an act and that he has truly gone back to his wife and will be faithful to her. I hope that for her especially.
As for me? That entire debacle brought me to my Harry. Harry is the one who helped me unravel the twisted mess that existed in my brain and heart. He was my true friend and had a unique ability to analyze and listen.
We often wish we would have become reacquainted years earlier but we also both know that it was God’s perfect plan that we met when we did.
Harry, in the throes of launching a start-up company, had no extra money whatsoever to dazzle me with. All he had was his ear to lend and his heart to give. God’s perfect plan.
This allowed me to see his true spirit, stripped of any bravado or persona he wished to project. He told me that I fell in love with him at his worst which helped him trust the love I had for him was pure. God is so good.
And over this past year and a half we have inched toward a place of becoming one. Slowly, because it just couldn’t happen any faster. Neither one of us pushed. We just let it unfold.
SO DIFFERENT. So much better.
I’m rescued in that I’ve been restored. The pain, the hurt, the damage from the end of my marriage and the end of my relationship with Slimeball has been replaced by trust again.
And for that I’m truly grateful for the wait. I’m grateful when my prayers get answered in the negative. Because God knew what was going to happen. And knows what is best for me.
My job is to honor Him as best I can with my decisions, my work, my behavior and to keep checking my motivation to align with His priorities for me.
Sometimes all we can do is wait and enjoy where He has us in the moment.
Pushing God’s timetable is a futile effort. Submitting to it instead is like being patient as a tree develops it’s fruit. Do what you can to tend to it, work toward it…but don’t push too hard to make something happen before it’s time. When you pick it too early…a plum is still a plum but it’s nearly tasteless and difficult to chew.
This past year and a half I’ve seen a sweet relationship of trust develop between Harry and me, and Harry and my children. I’ve seen finances align and grow. I’ve seen Spiritual growth in both of us. I’ve seen a melding and meshing of two very separate lives into one. Waiting, nurturing with love and trust yields very ripe, sweet, fruit.
Thank you God for the content heart you have given me. For the growth in patience you’ve allowed me to develop. Thank you for all the bad that you have worked out for the good.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.