A year ago I wrote a blog called, “The Passion I Want” which I completely 100% agree with today. It was the day after Harry and I had our first fight. I remember it well. Since then, Harry and I have had our fair share of fights. A lot fewer since January. In fact I think we’ve only had one or two fights in sixth months.
A certain amount of conflict is necessary only because if there is zero conflict then it usually means there is a lopsided balance of power in the relationship and that is not healthy.
It just seems that with Harry and me, we talk about so many things that we work most things out that way. Just talking.
Yesterday he was telling me a story about a joke he told to a friend that made her laugh and he expected me to think it was funny too. Only it just made me feel bad. It was about how he was stuck driving on the 91 freeway again because of me. I am secure until I feel like for some reason, my presence in someone’s life is a negative. His joke was funny…but all I heard is I’m being put out because of her.
He sensed my mood shift and then his shifted. We were on the phone while he was driving to my house and we quickly hung up. I was like, “What just happened?”
As soon as he picked me up heading for the gym, we talked about it. I explained why I felt weird and he explained the extremes he would go to be with me and driving on the 91 freeway was 20 extra minutes of first world problems.
We didn’t even come close to having a fight.
Somewhere between calves and hamstring machines he pulled me close and said that from when we hung up until we talked it through he felt horrible and said that in all his relationships fighting with me scares him the most because he doesn’t want to lose me.
I told him I didn’t want to lose him either and I felt the same way.
Later that night we sat at a table in a dimly lit restaurant and I smiled at him. Behind my smile I was thinking to myself, I’m the luckiest girl in the entire world. Look at him. Look at that mouth and those eyes. And he loves me too….
And he said, “How could I possibly do anything else but love you when you look at me that way. It’s like this restaurant is full of people but you only see me. Like I’m the only one here”
How did he know what I was thinking?
I just smiled and said, “You are.”
Without one kiss, or touch. With just a look there is more passion in my relationship with Harry than any relationship I’ve ever had bar none.
So what I said a year ago stands. The kind of passion I want is not the kind that results in arguing…
I want the kind of passion that stops a man from leaving because he “feels so strongly” in his commitment to me and our relationship, forsaking all others. That our relationship is so important to him that he doesn’t want to live without it. I want the kind of passion that will cause a man to do something crazy or illogical in a flirty or fun way that shows he “feels stronger” about making me smile than how strangely people look at him. I want the kind of passion that fuels a fire deep in the forest full of old, dense, thick timber that will burn for years. Not one that ignites at every little spark and quickly burns out. What a waste of energy.