OLD Normal

stare_smlYou hear people talk about the new normal all the time.  But I’ve been craving normal for a while and tonight I was assaulted with the old normal.

I went to my friend’s memorial service.  My colleague and friend.  I laughed more than I cried.  I loved that man.  I purposely wore my cross diamond necklace cause it was made out of the ring my dad got my mom and then she had the ring made into other things and the cross necklace is special.  It’s the best gift my mom every gave me.  Cause it is a symbol of my dad’s love for me and for her.  And for God’s love for us.

OK, so tonight I agreed to take my daughter to my ex’s new house he just bought.  He has been wanting to show me and I had nothing else planned and have been really lonely, so I suggested I take her.  It was just something to do.

I was expecting a tour and a good-bye.  But in the midst of the tour I saw three place settings at his dining room table.  And smelled food.  And completely innocently asked..what do I smell?  He said, “Cuban tamales from my neighbors, it’s dinner can you stay?”  I said, “Oh there are three place settings?”  I had no freaking idea at all.  So I said, “Of course, that’s nice.”

We went room to room.  My daughter showed me stuff, he did, there were candles in every room.  Glowing from the fireplace, the coffee table, the kitchen.  We ate, we laughed.  We cleaned up.  He had my daughter making dessert before I could leave and picking out a movie.

This is him.  He was doing his thing.  He was being a good host.  An awesome host.  Dessert, movie, halfway through the movie popcorn.  He told me to take off my boots and relax and when I did he threw a pair of clean socks at me so my feet wouldn’t get cold.

It was too much. It was my life for 23 years.  He did everything right. Every girl’s dream.

Everything except be faithful.

I enjoyed the movie.  I enjoyed the clean house.  I enjoyed the dinner ready on the stove.

As soon as the movie was over I left and thanked him for a nice night.  And drove home sobbing.

This is not fair.  It’s not fair.  He is not THIS.  He is not the nice guy who makes great Cuban dinners and makes me laugh and makes me look across the room at my daughter who is content and happy.

He is just lonely.  And Maybe he regrets leaving.  Maybe he does…but I DON’T.

The NORMAL I felt tonight was awesome.  It was so welcomed.  I want it so badly to return to my life.  But he was not.

Maybe I used him.

If I didn’t have someone to love maybe I could get sucked back into helping him with wall hangings and paint and renovations.  But I do – I have Harry and I love Harry.  I have someone.  Someone who loves me for me.  And as surreal as this was…with the Ironman movie, the chocolate chip cookies, the popcorn, the showing me what each drawer had in the kitchen….it doesn’t hold a candle to the passion I have with Harry.

Someday I hope for normal with Harry too.  We will have that cool place where we just relax in and thank God for.

I’m happy for my ex.  He’s working on his new normal since he split with his ex.  I’m not her replacement.  It was nice being catered to tonight.  But I don’t want someone to wait on me…I want a partner.  I want Harry.  He is the one for me.

Tonight was a glaring reminder that if people only wanted what was easy they could have it.  I don’t want easy.  I want right.  I want good.  I want the man who makes me think, and who can say…NO….think about it THIS way.. I want Harry.

God knows what He’s doing.  I’m confident in that.  I don’t want the OLD Normal.   I’ll wait as long as it takes for the new.

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