Sometimes I don’t have enough words, or time, or talent to express the deepness of my experience. There are moments when I feel awful and lonely and stretched to my limit. There are other moments when I feel so full of love and dedication and compassion that I literally cry happy tears. Sometimes I’m overwhelmed with peace and other times yearning. It’s definitely not all bad and there is good laced in almost everything. But one thing is for sure. This past week I’ve experienced it all. Big highs and big lows and everything in between.
Last night Harry came over in the early morning. “I’m trying baby, I love you and I’m trying.” He was pleading with me. “I’m trying too.” I realized something in that moment. Right then he was my best friend and what he needed most was a hug. He needed comfort and a safe place to be. And I did too. We needed each other’s true friendship. The one that sets aside the “what about me” stuff. And we did. We got past the hard crust to the gooey soft middle where it was warm. It’s the very best part about being in love with your best friend.
I buried my face in his neck and once again soaked him up like a goldfish waiting to be fed. I’m practically euphoric when I get to see him as I gobble up each piece and before I know it, there are no more pieces and I have to wait for the next day. When I don’t have plans other than seeing him it does make me look on the pathetic side. But today my kids were finally back home. I had a house to clean for a party with my girlfriends tonight. I ran 3 miles, shopped, and did laundry and while I did all of it, my heart was with him in spirit.
Right now I’m laying on my couch in my family room with the mantel garland lit and dimmed lights in the room. I can hear my kids playing video games with friends upstairs in my son’s room with the new TV he got for Christmas. I just said good night over the phone to Harry who had a day of progress. And once again I feel inept. How can I possible convey the fullness of my emotions, and thoughts? There is just too much to say.
Tonight after all the laughing and fun is over, and after we all tell each other we need to do this more often, I will change into my sweats, read a chapter of my book and then turn out the light. And I will say a prayer of thanks. For my friends, for my children, for my home that is warm and cozy. For my job and how God provides for us everyday. I will pray for Harry too. For his heart mostly. For his mind, and body to not fail him as he digs himself out of the hole. And I will pray for us. That we continue to put each other’s needs before our own. Even when it’s hard and be true friends when we need it most.