monitor_smlNot that one…geesh.  The one in a plot.  Every good story has one.  The moment you are on the hump of the hill and you’ve made it through the hardest part and it’s pretty much easy sailing toward the finish line or end of the story. But just before the climax is the absolute hardest, most critical and crucial part that keeps you guessing.  Is it all going to end in destruction?  It often looks that way.  Naysayers leave the ball game during the ninth inning when the chips are down and then often shoot themselves when they learn of a big comeback.

I’m dating a comeback king.  Mostly because he will not give up the fight. He’s been working at keeping his company alive for years.  Two years ago he had an idea that could get it healthy again and bring it back from the brink.  He invested every last dime he had, including all the money from selling his house.  He’s risked life and limb for the success of this project.  It was ambitious to say the least.  And it’s been brutal in every way to his health, to his pocketbook, to his personal relationships.  And that is a normal day.

In the accounting world, which he is in, the end of the month is crucial and the end of the year even more crucial.  And he’s a one man band with now several companies using his brand new software that only he can fix bugs to.  So these last few days have been gnarly to say the least.  We haven’t reached the climax of the story yet.  We don’t know for sure how it will end.  And this week during Christmas cheer  when most people are off on holiday enjoying their families…he is pedal to the metal.  (authors note:  I’m really not trying to use so many clichés in this post it’s just kinda working out that way).

Between him needing to focus extra hard, holiday expectations, some serious misjudgments he  made that led to a serious reaction on my part…this last month of the year is proving to be trying.  I fear January will be no better but I have high hopes for February.

He sits alone in his office every night and sleeps on his couch right next to all the servers in the room next door so he can wake up and start working.  It’s lonely.  It’s insane.  And for these last few months I’m there cheering him on, making him smile, and giving him motivation to work harder if that is even possible.  But last night I had the opposite effect on him.  Even though the entire issue could have been avoided had he made a different judgement call…we locked horns.  And it was the first time I was seriously angry at him.

I questioned his judgement, something he actually thought would be a good idea for the first time.  When that happens too often I lose respect for someone.  People say if it talks and walks and looks like a duck…and he’s asking me to believe it’s not a duck.  And I’m trying.  But I can’t do it on his word alone anymore.  I’ve learned that from my past.  It has to be proven to me.  Yes.  Trouble in paradise.

But I’m not ready to throw in the towel, although I was angry enough last night to have made me think it.  I just don’t want to be made a fool again.  I’m extra sensitive.  I realize Slimeball did a number on my confidence.  And I’m trying to not over react but at the same time not turn a blind eye either.  Unfortunately this is all very bad timing for him.  Poor Harry.  I do feel for the guy.  Now his girlfriend is pissed on top of all his clients who are clamoring for his attention and piece of his time.

He does not want to fail.  He can’t, not after all the hard work. I long for normal.  But the thing that keeps me going is that I realize I don’t JUST long for normal.  And I remind myself often that apart from my Harry, my normal would be the very thing I’m doing without him anyway.  I’d be alone.  So I CAN DO ALONE.

It’s just that doing alone and then feeling like he doesn’t trust me enough to be completely honest with me hurts.  I’m making sacrifices for him and he rewards me with lies.  It doesn’t feel good.  And it makes me wonder if all men lie.

But we’re not there yet folks.  Last night I thought I’d be burying a dead carcass today.  I hope beyond hope that this does not become a pattern for Harry because that will be the end if it did.  I’m not going to jump ship before it’s time.  I’m going to hang on and see it through just like I always do and hope the faith I put in the other person will have been a worthy investment of my time, my love and my prayers.

We are nearing that climax though and the last time I thought everything was settled I got smacked in the face with someone I did not see coming.  I’m so afraid now that will happen again.  I’ll hate myself if it does.  For believing and trusting someone when I shouldn’t.

so I’m holding on for dear life and sometimes I close my eyes for fear of what I will see when they open.  That is what I do at the suspenseful part of a movie.  I close my eyes and plug my ears and tell the people I’m with to tap my leg when it’s all over.

But  I have not lost hope.  When all the ingredients are so good to begin with the only thing that will screw it up is if you cook it wrong.  He’s made a couple of curious choices, things that have made this harder not easier.   But the dish isn’t ruined.

Problem for me is he has to be a slave for his company right now.  I understand there is no other option for him.  So in the midst of feeling unsettled in our relationship and feeling like we are on unsteady ground I have to act like I’m not potentially watching my house of cards come falling down around me.  For at least the next month.  And I have a feeling when I said “Fix it” and he said, “ok” he was thinking down the road after things calm down.  Only that is not what I meant and once again I’m being stretched in the trust department.  I’m kinda scared.  I don’t want a sad ending again.  Regardless, it’s going to unfold.  He promised me he would not break my heart.  I have to be able to keep my eyes open and watch to see what happens next…and the pressure is on.

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