Merry Christmas

heart_christmas_smlMost people can recount Christmases past and remember highlights.  Grandpa reading Twas the Night Before Christmas.  Papa guessing (correctly I might add) the contents of all of his presents by shaking them.  The first time I made spiked cranberry punch as an adult for family (I felt like a grown up).  My first Christmas alone with just my husband awaiting our first-born son.  Wrapping at midnight on Christmas Eve when my children were little.  So many great memories.

This is a last for me.  Last Christmas both my children live full-time at home, in the house they grew up in since they were 4 and 5 years old.  Last Christmas (hopefully) as a single woman.

Christmas Eve, Harry and I walked into church.  Awaiting us was my ex and my children.  My friend and her ex and daughter (the one who my ex hit on a month ago).  There we were, two mid-forty women taking up a whole entire row at church with three men, and three children.  All the men shook hands, cracked some jokes with small talk and we listened to a message about the ultimate hope we have because of Christmas.

Earlier that evening Harry kind of had a panic attack about  pressures he was feeling from the looming end of the year work issues, family, and me.   Under the gun is putting it lightly.  If every day he is under pressure, the end of the year THIS year is like the final battle where one false move and all could be lost.  I understand how important it is.  And it fell in the midst of the only week when there are real expectations from ones he loves to BE THERE.  I understood.  It was hard.

Amazingly he pulled it together and we sat holding hands during church, had a wonderful meal with just the two of us afterward, exchanged gifts with the kids that evening, and he returned in the morning with the pajamas I gave him on including his Sheldon – Bazinga shirt.  He’s a trooper.  We spent a relaxing Christmas morning together.  He even made it to my family’s gift exchange before excusing himself to get back at it.

He got to see my mom pretend she hated ribbons being cut, my cousin keeping the ball rolling, my aunt roll up the $175 Rib Eye roast for the spicket, and mostly he got to see happy, smiling faces.  I’m glad for that.

He impresses the heck out of me: gracious, kind, focused (as anyone could be on Christmas)  And when he is around me I feel like I’m really all that matters.  What a gift he is.

My children got me wonderful, thoughtful gifts this year that really show me that even though we blow up at each other every now and then, they do truly cherish our relationship.  I asked them three times on Christmas day if they spoke to their dad on the phone yet but they had only texted him.  I felt for my ex this year,  I think he was alone.  Even the kids didn’t know what his plans were.

By Christmas evening I sat with a very full tummy, my family all around laughing, talking, pitching in to help clean up, and lots of love, hugs, and kisses.  And I thought…whatever this next year brings, I’m looking forward, not back.  I can’t have my kids back waking up at 6 AM because Santa came.  I can’t have my dad.  But I pray with my whole heart that I will have as full a heart next year as I have this year.

I have my dreams.  I’m almost afraid to say them out loud.

I know it’s a little late.  But I wish you all a Merry Christmas.

My very favorite Christmas song says everything I tried to just say, so much better.

Christmas future is far away
Christmas past is past
Christmas present is here today
Bringing Joy that will last…..

Have yourself a merry little christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be
Out of sight
Have yourself a merry little christmas
Make the yule-tide gay
Next year all our troubles will be
Miles away
Here we are as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more
Someday soon, we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little christmas now.

2 responses to “Merry Christmas

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