OK, I was bragging about how Harry and I never let a disagreement turn into an argument in my last post and the other night we met up after work for a quick bite to eat and it ended badly. Why? I don’t know. Different reasons, and we are all better now. But it just goes to show that it can happen to the best of us.
I can tout how great we are and how mature and loving and everything else but we’re also human (thank God.) I didn’t sleep well that night as a result and he overslept which made the next day not so great for either one of us.
But the first thing and the only thing I could think about doing before anything else was to make it right between us again.
There is definitely many sides to Harry. The one that answers the phone when it’s just him and me is one of my favorites. His voice is like velvet. It’s soothing and sweet. And it makes me feel safe, and warm and good inside. Funny how a voice can do that.
But the one at the restaurant the other night was bombastic and aggressive and while I know that’s how he gets when he’s trying to prove a point, it made me feel bad. Attacked almost. We just got carried away having one of our debates and it started to feel personal to me because it was about something that is very personal for me.
Honestly, his physical presence has never intimidated me. Some people might be surprised by this because he is a massive person. While he could easily win a physical altercation, he is also used to winning mental ones. He has told me he can be pushy with his ideas, whether they are sound arguments or just unsupported assertions because most people aren’t smart or confident enough to argue a point well. But I don’t back down. I think he went into the mode the other night where he just wanted to win, so he threw out another assertion before I was done with my explanation instead of dealing with what I was trying my best to faithfully answer. It was exhausting. It didn’t feel good. It felt silly like a dog chasing its tail, because half the time I didn’t know which subject we were on. I felt like at one point we went from having a discussion about something to just using tactics to try and win. And it was a little intimidating. Being pummeled like that.
That night, our differences seemed overwhelming to me. But the next day I wanted my big teddy bear who gives the best hugs ever and who listens and understands me better than anyone I’ve ever known.
And to be honest again, I have to admit that I am also very aggressive when I think I’m right. And I’m sure I did the same thing to any of my ex’s. I can be overwhelming too and I know how to win an argument. Being somewhat matched in this area is going to be something we have to figure out how to deal with. We just have to know when to call a draw I think.
But I still say, I don’t want perfect. I want something that is a little messy. Perfect is more aggravating.
Harry and I are two different people. We always will be, but man we are oh so similar in some scary ways. And it’s not the end of the world to have an argument. I thank God for that because with Harry, at least I know I’m getting the real deal. I hope our differences won’t make us feel overwhelmed too often but as long as we have that love and respect and know when to give and when to take, I think we’re going to make it.
I have a dear girlfriend who I met over 10 years ago. When I first introduced her to my husband she couldn’t believe how he did whatever I asked and said yes to everything. Absolutely zero conflict but also no give and take. All he knew how to do was give. She remarked how odd it was to which I responded, “I know, he’s perfect.” She wasn’t so sure. And she actually predicted the demise of our marriage, saying, “It is just too perfect.” I tried to explain that was just how he is. He’s always been that way and he’ll never change. It freaked her out.
I could never measure up to how NICE he was and I always felt indebted to him. Last night I got another glimpse at that in action.
Harry and I met up for dinner again. I’m happy to say the only thing we got passionate about was kissing and I’ll NEVER complain about that! But just as I was sitting down and saying my hello to him, I got a text from my ex. He noticed that my dining table needed some repair. He asked me last week if I wanted him to fix it. I politely said no thank you and that Harry had offered. The text said that he had the equipment in his car to fix the table and if I was worried about what Harry would think that I could tell him my son fixed it and would it be ok if he went ahead and did it for me? I showed the text to Harry who said, “Well, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” Mr. Perfect is at it again. This is him. He’s so stinking nice. And he is a servant at heart. He makes it SO hard to tell him no. So I texted back, ok and thank you.
I really don’t want to become indebted to him again. I watched his snake for him last week while he had his dad over as company at his house. Maybe he felt like he owed me a favor. I hope it was only that.
Maybe I have the best of two worlds. A good ex who is willing to help out and be involved and a wonderful, sexy, loving man for a boyfriend.
What I have now, is perfectly flawed. The picture in my head includes a man who screws up every now and then so I don’t feel so bad when I DO.
Harry is a pleaser too but he’s not a servant like my ex. He wants to do nice things if he can. But he’s not compelled when it doesn’t make sense and I’ve seen that Harry is gracious enough to accept ME doing something NICE for HIM once in a while too, which NEVER happened with my ex, who in his drive toward perfection, created something very lopsided and impossible to maintain over time.
I’m in this for the rest of my life. That is my mentality. Harry and me, partners for life. No trade ins for a newer, faster, nicer model. When we seal the deal this will be it for me. And part of what I’m looking for is someone who I will be able to hold the mirror up to every now and then to show him a flaw after he holds up the same mirror for me. And we will be perfectly flawed. TOGETHER.