Just after I was married, I decided that I was going to bake everything I ever ate as a child during the holidays and then some. 3 or 4 days of baking yielded a bounty of baked goods laid out across my kitchen table. I made a lot, but most of it was just ok. I’m not great at baking. It’s too precise for me. I’m not exact enough. For example, there is a rule when making brownies. Don’t over mix. If you do, the brownies will be hard and tough. Mix only until the ingredients are blended. As little as possible.
I just typed 838 words of venting. I’ve been turning an idea over and over in my mind and nothing good is coming out anymore. I’m afraid I’ve over mixed. I’m at odds with Harry over a particular issue and I’m emotional today. After spewing with fingers flying for 20 minutes, I had to stop to retrieve my daughter from school.
She said hi and then asked me what was wrong. I told her nothing but she didn’t believe me. In the living room we sat and talked and as we were running through the events in our day, I let slip out my dilemma.
She said, “Mom, you need to chill. You think about something so much that it gets bigger and bigger in your head.” And I said, “But…” she listened shaking her head and then she said, “So?” And I said, “But…” she listened some more and then said, “Really? No mom, that is a stretch.” And then I reminded her of what happened with Slimeball and she said, “He’s not Slimeball.”
The more she talked the more I realized my only real issue is fear resulting in contrived and imagined reasons for Harry’s position. Fear that comes from a past that included embarrassment, and pain from having trusted the wrong person. I want this to be so different but I’m afraid every time I see a potential similarity.
That bastard who spent two years lying to me is haunting me and I hate it.
When it comes right down to it, I do trust Harry implicitly.
I refuse to be in another relationship where I’m second guessing everything. Last time I had to. It was warranted and called for. This time it would only be me as the cause. I’ve got demons I’m fighting but I’m strong and I can fight them off.
This is worth it. I’m not going to let Slimeball ruin this for me.
Tonight I got away from my computer and I did what I need to do everyday. I lived within the present moment and chose to enjoy it. I’m a planner at heart. I like to have everything lined up so there are no surprises. But I haven’t ever had a life with no surprises. As much as I’ve tried, fate has escaped my agenda nearly every time.
Tonight after work, I watched TV. I ate popcorn. I snuggled on the couch with my dog under a blanket. And after I’m done typing here, I’m going to go up to my bedroom and read the new book I bought and fill my head with someone else’s words until I get sleepy.
My son is in Santa Monica at a concert with a bunch of college boys (Lord keep them safe.) My daughter is coughing and reading for her Lit class in her bed. And this moment right now, is not so bad. It’s actually quite peaceful and good.
Breathe Livvy. Just rest in it. Give the tossing and turning of ideas a rest for a while.
I miss the present half the time because I am either lamenting the past or preoccupied with the future. I KNOW my future is going to be great. I just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy THIS moment too.
I think about what I hope for and want it too much. Part of the problem is I’m alone all day. Everyday. My head is left to its own devices and sometimes it yields fascinating ideas but other times my life in my head becomes a mangled mess from overworking the dough.
It’s a lesson in balance. Don’t over mix. I get it.
In reality, if Harry is who he claims to be with me, than there is no reason for me not to trust him. This is not the case where there is already reason not to trust and I’m turning a blind eye. And to be fair to myself here – Harry’s past is colorful to say the least. But there is no reason for ME not to trust him. I have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s hard. Honestly with some issues, it is harder than I thought it would be.
Because I love him so much and he is so different from anyone I’ve loved before I thought I’d be immune to comparisons. It’s just when things feel familiar and I feel like I’m not being let into his life or kept hidden that I start to freak out a little bit.
I always let people in all the way. He’s got access to everything ME. But it’s not the same the other way around. For different reasons but even his reasons confuse me because he seems so adamant that he wants me to be his life. It’s been many years since he’s been married. He’s used to doing his own thing, calling all the shots, setting all the parameters, staying in control.
We are coming from two such completely different places we have a hard time understanding each other on this issue. But it seemed like we were both trying. So I’m just gonna let it rest.
I was watching America’s Test Kitchen last night and they were talking about dough resting. The longer you let it rest the more it is able to stretch and not pull back into its original shape. I’ve tried making pie dough fit into the dish before it was ready. Every time I pressed the dough toward the edge it would literally shrink back before my eyes. Nothing I did helped. In this case, doing nothing instead of something would have been better. (There seems to be something God is trying to teach me here.)
So easy does it. He and I have both said we want to become one and meld into each other. That takes time and sensitivity and love and kindness and trying even when it’s hard to understand the other person’s perspective. So rest it is.