It’s not every day that a person can say, I spent the evening with my ex and actually had a good time. But I did. We sat there all civilized like at the football game waiting for half-time where we were to escort our daughter onto the field in honor of her four years in band. I have completely healed from that break up. WOW. I really have. The very reason I started this blog was to “process” my feelings after being rejected by him after loving him since I was 16 years old. And I spent about 4 hours with him alone tonight and can honestly say I’ve come full circle. Wow.
I sat working on my computer on my bed while he ironed his shirt in my bedroom which meant his shirt was off and I couldn’t believe how …well…he’s gained some weight. A lot of weight. It struck me visually. It was kind of a shock. I’m trying not to be shallow but looks ARE something… and I tried not to look. Let’s just say I traded up. And it was a good feeling for some reason realizing that fact. I didn’t leave him he left me and I got something better. Just saying.
The time alone allowed me to tell him the whole story about what happened this last year. I told him everything to his utter shock and horror. He was so glad for me that I was given a reprieve. When I told him how I had been threatened, he literally rolled up his sleeves and said, “Bring it on a**hole.” He was extremely supportive of me which I appreciated very much.
I’m horrible at keeping things to myself and I just spewed about Harry all night. He seemed genuinely interested and asked some questions and told me he was really happy for me that I found someone who I could be real with. I mentioned to him that we were going out on Saturday to listen to a band that we mutually like and he said, “Oh we’re going too.” Which poses a dilemma for me. I really don’t like seeing “her” and up until this point have only seen her from afar and never ever spoken to her.
Tomorrow we will potentially be in the same jazz club. My ex husband with his girlfriend (who he left me for) and me with my boyfriend (who I’m fantastically in love with.) It is a strange world we live in. He and I really did get along quite well tonight and if I really don’t care anymore about the wrong that happened in our marriage…there is a glimpse that flashes in my mind of the potential for me and Harry and him and his woman laughing around a table. Odd. But I really could see us get there someday. Maybe not tomorrow…but someday.
I don’t love him like a husband anymore. I love him as a friend, I guess, and I always will. But I’m not even sorry anymore that he left because my daughter was so great tonight and my son is doing great and I have worked very hard to make sure they know right from wrong and love and forgiveness and a good work ethic.
I see the upside now. It doesn’t make what he did right, but I see the good in my life with how things turned out.
I get a new life with Harry. Someone who is 1000% a better match for me.
When we were finished with our duties with our daughter we walked home. He was going to stay for the rest of the game but didn’t want me walking the mile home alone. I thought that was nice. When we got home he said something about a soda and I said, “Man that really sounds good I think I’ll go get one.” And in true-to-form fashion he jumped. “How ’bout you give me a couple bucks and I’ll go through the McDonald’s drive-thru and get you one.”
I said, “No I didn’t mean for that to sound like I was asking for that I can get it myself.”
“No really, I need something to do anyway and the second buck you give me I’ll use to buy one for myself.”
I said, “Fine.”
“You want some small fries too? I mean you weigh 108 lbs. you’ve earned them!”
I said, “Fine.”
How quickly old patterns return. *sigh*
He left after that while I ate my fries and watched Doc Martin. And there was this sense of peace again. Peace in my heart is starting to feel familiar. That all is right in my world.
If you read some of my early posts from 2009, you will recall that when my ex left my house and I listened as the garage door closed it would feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.
Tonight I listened to that same sound and smiled. Truly and honestly. I was happy he was leaving. Happy my daughter was getting to spend some time with him this weekend. Happy for my quiet time alone watching my PBS show. And super happy I have an amazing man to love me in a very real way. SO much better than I could have ever dreamed. SO much better than crying myself to sleep at night because the man who was supposed to love me most loves someone else.
WOW. Wow. wow. Amazing. And STUPENDOUS. God really does heal wounds I thought would never ever be healed. It’s been 4 years..but talk about closure. I’m getting closure all over the place lately and that leads me to only one conclusion.
My new life…my real new life is about to start FOR REAL very soon. And I’m gonna be ready for it.