Holding out Hope

We’ve all been there at the buffet line loading up our plates with a slice of ham, some prime rib, some salad, and bread, and another salad, and whatever that thing is cause it looks good.  We walk back to our table slightly embarrassed at the mound we’ve built of food that could feed a small African village and then even worse, we don’t eat it all because half way through we get full.  I’m usually very good at only eating what I should.  I’m disciplined.  I see the stuff I like and take small portions and if I know I’ll be tempted I don’t even look or bring it into my home because I know if it’s there I’m going to desire it.

In my personal life it’s much the same way.  I’m ok if I know something is off-limits.  I’m not tempted at all.  But if I get enticed in and start looking around and talking about what I really want…which is a normal life with a man who I can love every day of my life.  I start to want it.  And wanting it gives me cravings and I day-dream and I get excited and I start to hope.  As much as hope is a positive thing it often gets me in trouble because in essence I’m wishing for something I don’t already have which leads to a certain level of discontentment.

Today I was talking to Harry on his lunch and I already knew he was going to say he couldn’t see me on Friday.  But when he did it made my heart sink.  We’ve been so great, everything is as good as it could be.  And I’m in that mode of dreaming of this life I could have with him that is what I’ve always dreamed of having.  I carve out 3 hours on Saturday, one on Sunday where I actually get to see him but mostly it’s in public and it’s not that intimate although its fun –  it’s just that there is no down time for us lately.  Just for us to sit and just be us.  We get it over the phone all the time which I’m thankful for.  But not so much in person.  And I’m left wanting.  I’m craving him all the time and when I dream about it I’m heaping my plate high with everything Harry.

I hate hope sometimes cause it makes me want something I don’t have and it seems unfair.  But our conversations build up the hope cause we talk about how much we want to see each other and that feeds into the hope.  Except I’m left with my very small life with my kids, my exercise, and my easy job with huge chunks of open, available time.  And he has zero time and a busy, big life and I’m wondering how I got here today.  Where I’m actually sad that I have a wonderful guy who loves me just because I can’t see him as often as I’d like.

It’s certainly not fair to him but at the same time, I really am sad so it’s really not fair to me either.  I matter.  He asks me to be strong when I’m feeling down.  And so far I’ve been able to reset my brain so I don’t have a pity party.

It’s hard when there is little time and there is lots of waiting involved.  I’ve dealt with this before.  Where the cart is put before the horse to some extent.  The feelings are there for wanting an everyday, normal, real-life relationship but the circumstances do not permit.  So…you have to put your feelings on hold.  You have to literally hold out hope that someday it will get better.  And if that thing you are hoping for is worth it then the waiting will be WELL worth it.

Is Harry worth it?  Every fiber of my being says yes.

Have I been wrong before?  Epically wrong.

Do I think I’m wrong this time?  Of course not.

Does my past color my confidence level and cause me to doubt my convictions?  I’d be dishonest if I didn’t admit that there is a small part of me who is afraid that I will want normal with Harry and I will do everything it takes to keep the love strong during the waiting and something will happen just like it did before to pull the rug out from under me just when I think we’ve arrived.  And it scares me.

I know everything is different this time. It’s just me being stupid.  I hate it when I’m stupid.

We were talking on the phone and after I realized we really weren’t going to see each other until Saturday night, I felt myself  deflate and I started to complain.  I hate that.  I hate being negative.  So I told him I needed to go cause I didn’t want him to think I am ungrateful but I think I upset him.  He didn’t do anything wrong.  All he does is work hard.  And I came into his life at such an odd time and not at all convenient.  I love him with all my heart.

I get all of his left over time.  But sometimes it leaves me to feel like left-overs and I know that is the wrong way to look at it.

So…I’m gonna shut up, suck it up, and stop complaining.  I have what most women only dream of.  I DO have hope.  And I’m going to hold onto it but somehow keep my head wrapped around the fact that it can’t be anything I get anytime soon.

And I will try again…to do the thing that is very tough for me to do…have patience.

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