I got a message from an old friend today because she saw a picture I posted of Harry on Facebook and knowing him from high school remarked that we were an unlikely pair and wondered if I knew his whole story. I reassured her that I’ve heard all the stories and realize how different our past is, but told her that he has always treated me with the utmost respect and in fact when other people were clearly just trying to score, he wanted to be my friend. She felt much better after I explained how close we were. But it was a moment because the knowledge is getting out there. Harry and Livvy? No one would have put us together. Not even us!
I’ve been writing so much about metaphorically tackling the mess in my garage, today I decided to literally take care of the mess. It is amazing what a little work can do. My garage is well on its way to being orderly. It felt really good. As I was nesting the suitcases, I came across all the brochures and literature I had collected in my effort to find a wedding venue in England from my 30 day trip last year. I’m happy to say seeing the pictures and paperwork did not illicit an emotional response from me. But it did strike me curious because part of what I did today was look up private dining details in my area for a very small and intimate wedding ceremony and reception for Harry and I. I’ve got the bug again.
How is it possible a year later I’m ready to take the plunge again? After so much PAIN…am I nuts?
On the outside it may seem suspect. I don’t think I have the ability to explain the peace I feel this time and how different it is. I’ve written about major doubt before my first marriage but once I was married I was all in. And lots of unsettled feelings in the last three years too.
This time there is not one ounce of doubt. Is it a spell? Is it some blindness I have? Have I been fooled again? I said next time I would resist, next time I would be smarter, next time…
Harry came for a quick visit this morning for some kisses and coffee. It had been almost a week since I’d been able to kiss him although we talked for hours every day. I can’t tell you how good it felt for my face to be buried in the skin of his shoulders and neck and to smell his scent and feel his breath.
I didn’t mean to fall in love again. I didn’t know he’d be the one.
April 13th 2012 was our first kiss. We went to our restaurant where we met and I brought some of my photography to show him. We opened up the big book and I asked him to come around to my side of the table so I could share better. I turned the pages and told him stories. He asked questions and pointed out what he liked. And at one point I looked up and we both kind of leaned in and I laughed and said…”Wow, I almost kissed you just then. It felt so natural like why wouldn’t I? I’m sorry.”
I went back to turning pages. And then I looked up again and his lips were right there. Honestly I didn’t even think about it…I just kissed him. I KISSED HIM. 🙂
My last first kiss. The best of my life. The first thing I felt was the hair from his moustache and then his soft lips. Gentle, loving, special, perfect.
It wasn’t quite as gentle in his truck on the way home. Stopped in the middle of the road, as the cars drove around us, this kiss was different. It was full of passion and power.
It was a stormy day and we ran from his truck to my front door as rain drops fell. And as we kissed on the couch in my living room there was a giant rumble of thunder which made him stop kissing me.
I smiled and said, “What?” He said, “Um is God trying to tell me something?” He wasn’t sure if it was good or bad.
He left soon after but I swear I will never hear thunder in my lifetime and not think of my Harry. It was the beginning.
April 13 would be a good date for a wedding, don’t you think? On a private balcony of a restaurant by the beach at sunset with 20 of our closest friends? Yes I’ve fallen hard.
I know without a doubt the love I have in my heart for Harry is real and that it WILL tear me up inside. Ultimately, at one point either he or I will go. And along the way he will profoundly disappoint me and I him. He will never be everything I need. And sometimes he will be completely clueless.
The trouble with love is, it doesn’t care how fast you fall and you can’t refuse the call. See you got no say at all….I swore I’d never love again. I swore my heart would never mend. Said love wasn’t worth the pain. But then I hear it call my name…
But the trouble with love is, that knowing that is a moot point. It’s a given. I’m going to get hurt somehow. I hope after 40 good years when one of us dies. But there will be an end.
For now it’s making me hear a symphony and I just want the world to see… and I’m happy being gratefully happy.