I’ve tried to write this post about three different times. Here is try #4. Sometimes it’s best just to use people’s own words instead of trying to explain.
Part of my problem is that today Harry and I burst into flames and I don’t have the words to explain what happened.
We exploded unlike anything I have ever seen before. Fireworks pale in comparison.
It isn’t too much to say that it was completely over the top, completely insane, completely unprecedented and in addition, it was spewed on Facebook for all to see. We’ve been so far, very reserved, very appropriate, very retrained. And it wasn’t like there was anything that tipped us off.
We had a nice time at a busy, local mexican restaurant munching on chips and talking about the sermon at church, work, our upbringing, our hopes and dreams. As we sat, we held hands and kissed across the table a couple of times. But I knew he needed to get back to work. I knew I was a break from what he really needed to be doing and I was for all intense and purposes a distraction. So I asked if I could sit with him in his car for a minute before we parted and maybe that’s what did it. I wanted to squeeze what little time I could, knowing how much I would miss him.
I know that being in love can have its downside. I know that feeling of euphoria can be replaced fairly quickly with despair and it’s a fine line sometimes when you are feeling things so intensely. I was walking that line today. Why do we seek intensity in romance when after we get it we realize the most of what it brings is pain? A pain many of us wait our whole lives to feel. But in my case and as I wrote last night…it is very difficult to avoid when it comes knocking on your door.
As good as I felt holding his head in my hands and kissing him I knew it was for only a moment. Just as I was feeling the relief of that quiet comfort you get when you are with the person you love – he got an email and showed it to me and said he needed to go.
I’m not sure why but it hit me hard today…PMS perhaps? Or maybe I have really been missing him lately. Tears instantly appeared in my eyes. It seems always something pulling us apart. Not just him and his crazy work schedule it is all of my responsibilities too. He was afraid I was mad, but I wasn’t. My brain completely understands so I can’t be mad. My heart though keeps feeling like a yoyo that gets pumped up and then depleted. I wanted him to know how NOT mad I was so I kissed him again.
And that’s when it happened. With tears streaming down my face there were no more words. Something happens to men when women cry. It’s almost as if the tears themselves unleash a primal reaction. It was a fury of kisses and passion that exploded as if out of nowhere. It was a good thing we were in public and in a car is all I have to say. If it were possible for two people to become one through a kiss alone it happened today. We pulled ourselves apart realizing we had no choice. He had to go.
I could live in his kisses….my body stooped into my car and drove home, but my mind was reeling and processing the explosion that just occurred. WOW. I’ve been kissing this man for 6 months and I know how good it is, but this was more than kissing. I don’t even know what to call it because while it was primal in one sense it was the most loving and tender interaction.
It was like our souls were talking while we were kissing and making plans for us that would leave us feeling more connected when we were apart than even when we were there together.
My palms were literally sweaty, my heart was racing, and yet I didn’t have one clear thought. I just drove home. Ten minutes later he texted me:
Harry: I’m freakin out…I love you
Me: I’m glad I’m not the only one
And then I got the notification on my phone that he had posted on my Facebook wall these words:
I love you more than words can wield the matter,
Dearer than eyesight, space and liberty
To which I replied:
beyond what can be valued, rich or rare,
No less than life, with grace, health, beauty, honor,
As much as child e’er loved or father found—
A love that makes breath poor and speech unable.
Beyond all manner of so much I love you.
Harry: i hate to plagiarize.. but it fit – i feel the Bard… his angst flows in my blood when i think of you. sorry … im normally so discrete.. but the touch of your lips . the warmth of your cheek.. sends my heart back 500 years.. to a time when romaine mattered.
Harry: romance mattered… romaine was good too.. but only with italian dressing…(I hate my fat fingers)
Me: hahaha people will throw up but I don’t care.
Another notification on Facebook where he wrote:
A tear has strung,
as long as time can permit.
It drops into space, that has no end.
A place where my heart waits for you.
A place that is never-ending. only that can express…
Harry: original… that was my heart
Me: Will you marry me already??????
Harry: baby…I love you, I want you so bad, you make me spew words of love, lift weights, want to achieve, not FOR YOU, but for US.
Me: you make me want to cry, and laugh, and scream and love all at the same time. I’m going out of my mind today.
Harry: grrrr.. OMG who are you.. why have you come into my life…?
Me: HOW in the WORLD can a two-hour visit at a mexican restaurant yield such passion and romance? WHO ARE YOU? Quoting Shakespeare on Facebook?!
Harry: a person that only you can bring out…you bring it out.. because you understand it.. and it touches you in a way that I can see.. and feel. i swear on gods good graces.. i wrote that in one stream. And yes it’s true, i have tears streaming down my face.. thinking of how much i love you.
Me: what are we going to do? It’s debilitating and wonderful at the same time?
Harry was late for a conference call and needed to focus his attention elsewhere. I just sat on my couch with a similar feeling as I have when I get off a roller coaster. Exhilarated and somewhat exhausted. What in the world was THAT? Wow.
This girl has NEVER had that happen before. Maybe we got carried away and made other people want to hurl. But I for one don’t care. It was one of the most romantic moments of my life. And all we did was kiss. 🙂