Today was a day that I missed my old life. The one where I had everything figured out and didn’t spend time during my day on drama created by idiots. I miss the weeks that would go by without thinking about anything other than dinner, homework, baths, and bed time. I miss the safety of that world that has long since passed. I missed how predictable it was and how stable.
I didn’t miss the person who left and shattered that world. I just missed the world. Maybe because rooted in the present, I had a picture of the future. It wasn’t a mystery. There was no big question mark for the end of my story. I knew the ending.
I start thinking this way and I realized I’m missing a world that never really existed. I saw my husband as better than he was. I see people better than they are. I try very hard to look at their goodness even after bad behavior. And some would call me naïve and maybe I am, or maybe I was. And maybe had my husband never left me I would never know the darkness, meanness, and evil that seeped in.
I am a testimony that you can get stronger because of adversity. But today I didn’t feel like being strong. I just wanted to feel safe. Some days are like that I guess. I wanted to cry but couldn’t. I wanted to curl up.
Today I descended into a myriad of unproductive and de-stabilizing thoughts. I knew these thoughts were not from God because they were full of condemnation.
Sometimes running helps when I’m feeling low, so before it got dark I threw on my work out clothes turned on the tunes and started with one foot in front of the other. The ran began with my singing along to Kelly Clarkson , “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…” I wanted it to help me feel strong. But it felt empty tonight.
After two miles, I peeled off my clothes and jumped into the pool for 50 laps. The water was cold tonight, and my muscles revolted a little but I pushed them. I wanted to deny the pain, I wanted to feel strong. I got out of the pool feeling weaker than ever.
It didn’t help. I ate some good food. That didn’t help either. Nothing was helping.
Psalm 17:6 says, “I call upon you, for you will answer me, O God; incline your ear to me; hear my words.” And so I prayed. I listened to worship music. Lots of Jon Foreman who I love. And it hit me while I was listening to this song…that this is a day and moment in time when knowing the one true God is infinitely helpful because he is the rock that cannot be shaken. And as it says in 2 Corinthians 12: 9-11:
…“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Tonight I am content in my weakness because it is His strength that I need, I accept, and I cherish. It is His power, and victory that motivates me through the darkness, through the low times, through the mystery of what my life will be. It removes the need for me to desire vengeance. And as I’m re-learning this truth for the thousandth time, I am listening to this song that is one of the most beautiful songs for the lyrics, for the melody, for the humility and submission it represents.
As I listened I began to cry for the first time tonight and I lifted my hands to God praising Him for being strong and thanking Him for loving me.
And here I rest tonight. In His arms. Because it is the only place of peace in a wicked world that is swirling around me.
Please listen if you have the time…it’s well worth it.