Why Not?


I had a very nice weekend.  I spent Friday and Saturday nights with my Harry.  We had a great time.  Great.  Great.  Super great.  I tried leaving him alone today so he could get lots of work done.  I hope he did. He is working so hard getting his company off the ground.  He is very optimistic now.  The company he’s been working months for in San Diego cut him the final check this past week.  Big hurdle.  And now he’s off to North Carolina, San Francisco, New York, and I don’t know how many other places he mentioned.  Company after company who have already bought his product and are just waiting for installation.    I’m proud of him.  And maybe, if all this goes well, he’ll be able to live more like a normal person again soon.  He craves it I know.

We went to a shopping mall on Saturday and put our name in at a busy restaurant but the wait was long so we went into a few stores to browse.  In the lighting section of Pottery Barn his big hand grabbed my little fingers.  He nestled his head down close to mine and started to slow dance with me.  Melt.  I forget what song was playing but we just stood there dancing…it was so sweet.  He asked me later if I minded that he did that.   I don’t care who sees.  I don’t care if they think we are weird.  It was sweet.  I loved it.

I just figure you have to live a little.  He doesn’t understand how many points that scored him.

My daughter and I watched Queen Latifah in the movie Last Holiday tonight.  In the movie, this character thinks she has three weeks to live.  So she gets all of her money out of the bank and decides to blow it all on one final vacation where she learns to live.  In one scene, she looks at herself in the mirror and tells herself, “Next time… we will laugh more, we’ll love more; we just won’t be so afraid.”   I so wish my first husband could learn this lesson.

My ex and I went on a cruise.  I remember walking out on deck with him one night after a “dress-up” night.  I was in a good mood and there was nice music playing and I grabbed him and started dancing. Killer romantic moment…or it could have been.  It lasted all of about 3 or 4 steps and he just kind of pulled away.  I was used to it.  He never wanted to do anything that might draw attention.  So I just kept dancing by myself…calling him a fuddy-duddy.

Harry is my perfect match, I swear.

After my ex left I let that part of me come out more often.  The spontaneous part of me.  The one that thinks, “Why not?”  She came back to life.  If I can’t come up with a good reason why not…then I figure I might as well do it.  Cause you only live once and I want to live life to its fullest.

I had just ended a 23 year relationship and I was tired of being sad and I was tired of stifling my spirit of adventure.  With Martin there was definitely a sense of adventure there.  I was afraid but I didn’t want that to stop me.  Soooo… the choice didn’t pan out.  And it hurt.  I got bruised up again.  I got disillusioned.  But I knew even in my tears that I still didn’t want to stop living.

I asked myself why not a few times since then.  I just wanted to be smarter.  Who knows if I am.  Sometimes I do have good reason to say no and I do.

But my answer to “Why Not?” with Harry?  Well its funny because with Harry I feel like I know what I’m getting.  Martin and my ex…they were good actors but I never knew if I was getting real.  They were playing a part.  With Harry,  sometimes the outside screws up.  Sometimes he says the wrong thing, or behaves impulsively.  But he’s given me an open door to his heart and his soul.  And for me, that is worth more.

Especially with Martin, it was like, I  was buying lipstick and I had to go with the color that was printed on the piece of cardboard.  I didn’t really know what I was getting.  But Harry opened the box, took out the lipstick and showed me how good it looks.  With Harry, I’ve seen the actual product not just the picture of it on some packaging.

And I think that is why when I say, “Why not?” with Harry I have a peace that is difficult to understand.  He has real opinions and will do things I don’t like sometimes.  I will have to contend with that.  But it will be real.  It will be real.

Harry says I look like Meg Ryan but I act like Sally Field -very Gidget-esque he said. I’m a grown woman but I have the spirit of a little girl, ready and willing to try almost anything and have fun.  Why not?  I am not what he was expecting.  He expected a stodgy rule follower, mom type that needed everything done a certain way and in a certain order.  But I am very much not like that.  And that is one of the reasons he and I work so well.

We both are cool with making plans on the fly.  Let’s do this, or that, or the other thing…and we shrug our shoulders, lift our eyebrows and say, “Why not?”

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