Am I Dreaming?


Harry told me that back in high school he had a dream he kissed a girl and it was so real that he thought it really happened.  Dreams can be weird like that.  They can either be distant snap shots that you vaguely recall or they can be so intimate and include so many senses that you wonder ….Did it really happen?

In  the fall of 2009, I walked with my son up to the high school to watch a football game.  As we walked we looked up and marveled at the amazing full moon. I thought about being in high school and realizing that it was the same moon.  I wrote:

But the moon that I looked up at, made wishes to and kissed under back then is the same one today.  Same moon.  And I just wonder if there really is someone out there for me?  I’m cute, I’m petite, I’m smart, I’m a little feisty.  I wonder, if there is a better life out there waiting for me.  One that includes a man who will love me just as I am.  A man who will appreciate what I have to give.  Someone who will love me passionately.  Who knows?  Not me.

But last night after fighting traffic (literally) my Harry finally made it to the house for a quick bite to eat and we set out for the high school to watch the game.  It was hot.  Really hot.  It was 109 yesterday and by that time of night it was still in the 90’s.  I don’t think he noticed, but I got to the same spot on my street and I hesitated and looked up for the moon.  I realized, here I was again…only this time I was holding someone’s hand.  And I squeezed it and gave him a kiss.

We stomped and cheered and hollered, and clapped.  He tried to explain the game to me.  My daughter sat in front of us with her Bartione in her wool band uniform (poor girl).  They won!  It was the first high school game Harry has been to that he didn’t play in.  Another first for us…we keep doing that.  We went to high school together.  We lived our whole lives apart.  And here we were.

We left right before it was over and as soon as I got home I ran upstairs to get my bathing suit on so I could jump in my pool.  My house was stifling hot.  Harry declined.  I’ve been trying to get that man into my pool for weeks now.  I kissed him and tried to get him to fall in…I pulled and pushed and leaned…and then I realized he was a lineman on a football team and he weighs almost 300 lbs….so I gave up just as he lifted me up  like a little doll and threw ME in instead.  We laughed and talked while I swam and I jumped out to try again.  This time he got cocky and thought he could perch himself on the edge  with one foot even and when he pushed I grabbed his shirt and didn’t let go…we made the biggest splash my backyard has ever seen.  I was laughing so hard as he scrambled out of the pool like a cat.  Squeezing his jeans, ringing out his shirt.  I couldn’t stop laughing.

He laid down on the edge of the pool and I swam up to him and kissed him.  He is the most amazing kisser on the planet.  And I looked at his beautiful loving eyes and I thought…how lucky am I?  Am I dreaming?

I LOVE MY LIFE.

He walked around to the other side of the pool and I swam to get out thinking we were done with the fun and before I knew it he dove in!  YES!  Yes. Yes.  I dove back in too and we got to swim for a while.  I wrapped my legs around his wet jeans and held onto him and told him how much I loved him.  And he said he loved me too.  It was so great.  I’ll never forget it.

He ran out to his truck to get a change of clothes and I ran upstairs to change  and dry my hair.  The kids were on their way home and they were hungry.  So Harry went to In-N-Out to get us all burgers and we ate in the kitchen laughing and talking about the game and TV shows.  My son turned the TV on and we just hung out  together laughing and chatting until midnight.

Harry turned to me and whispered, “I love normal.”

I can’t put into words how I feel about Harry but there is something very different about it.  I was preparing dinner when he got to the house and he opened the door and said, “Honey I’m home.”  He was a complete vision of everything I wanted in that moment.  Strong, manly, handsome, sexy, loving, caring, did I say sexy?  Yeah.  He feels like family to me.  Like home.  He lifted me into his arms and we kissed and I thought again, “Am I dreaming?  Can this really be happening?  This is really going to be real?”

There is something very cool about finding someone new who you always knew.  I knew in my heart that after the Martin debacle I would never let myself fall in love with a stranger ever again.  I had to be friends first.  I didn’t know him well in high school, we probably said 10 words to each other.  When I met him again on Facebook he was just a nice guy.  When I met him again 25 years after meeting him the first time….everything was different.  And now when I look at him I don’t see the guy from high school, or the guy from Facebook.  I see a person who told me the other day that he knows he loves me different from anyone else ever because when he thinks of me, he thinks about growing old and he thinks about how there is nothing he would not do for me including taking care of me if I got sick.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  As he was explaining this to me I couldn’t help remembering a blog I wrote  way back in  March 22, 2010.  I said this in my blog:

Ok, so I’m weird.  But that is what I do.  I imagine them needing me more than any human on this earth.  Sick, or dying, perhaps disabled.  I imagine it uncomfortable and not at all ideal.  And then I ask myself if I would gladly care for that person everyday.  And if the answer is yes then I go onto the next step which is if the roles were reversed.  And I was the invalid, would I trust them with my life?  That is how I know.  It has to do with resolve.  A decision.  A decision of commitment.  Anything less than that is not love.  It may be lust.  It may be attraction.  But ultimately love is selfless.  You don’t love to get something you need or want.  You just love because you’ve decided to.

I hadn’t shared that with him.  And he said it.  My heart melted.  But the way Harry explained it…it was a love at such a deep level there was no choice in the matter.  It just was.  And that reminded me that the decision to love only comes into play when a relationship is tested and commitment is challenged.  But love in the first place just arrives on the scene.  It appears almost out of nowhere.  And with Harry and I it certainly happened that way.  We were not dating…we were not putting our best foot forward.  We were simply friends.  In fact both of us thought we would not make a good pair so we discouraged the idea in our minds.  But it happened anyway.  Love entered in.

I got my dream scenario.  This is it.  It’s a When Harry Meets Sally friendship with the love of a Noah and Ally from The Notebook.  

I have right now…what I have always wanted.

Could this be a dream?

I sure hope not cause if it is someone needs to wake me up right now.  I don’t know if I can survive this one not being real.

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