When I Dream…


When I get up in the morning –  sitting in my quiet living room, or when I’m laying my head on my pillow at night, I dream of a different life for myself…one I think I believe might come true. And…maybe I should back track a little because a year ago I had a much different picture in my head.  It was a fuzzy picture cause there were so many variables.  Would we live in England?  In the U.S.?  What kind of job would he have?  Would he be retired?  What about….all these variables.  It was frustrating because I wanted to hone in on one dream but I could never put my finger on it.  And I was ALWAYS afraid of that dream because there was no moment when I truly believed it would really come true.  In fact the more set backs we had the more I was rolling the dice thinking I’d never ever see a win.  I was right.

It’s like digging a transistor radio one year and then finding an iPod the next.  One is definitely better.

I’ve always been against dating.  I’ve always been about loving what you’ve chosen and giving that person your all.  Always.  And that part of me hasn’t changed.  So why a new dream?  It’s just…

Things happened to me.  My commitment was rejected and I left relationships not because the grass was greener but because for my own sanity, security, and self-respect…I HAD TO.  The result of that leaving has yielded improvements at every turn.  I’ve kept myself open to something new and with it I’ve found a better life.

And maybe that experience is unique.  Lord knows I count my blessings every single day.  I know beautiful women in my predicament who are either perfectly content being alone (until they meet the right person) or perfectly miserable because they keep meeting the wrong men.

I have been lucky enough to fall in love again.

I’m not engaged…yet.  But even if that never happens (and I think it just might) I would not change my life right now.

I’m stinkin’ happy.  

Everyday I smile.  I’m loved.  I have a good friend who cares about me, who challenges me, and wants to spend time with me.  I have everything I’ve ever wanted.  He even came to church with me yesterday and held my hand while I prayed and we had a good discussion about the sermon after church.  How can I say no to one of the best conversationalists I’ve ever known and definitely, hands-down the best kisser?  I simply can’t say no to that.

It just keeps getting better for me.  Even as time goes on, Harry and I are bonding in ways we have never bonded with anyone else.  Our discussions take us to places where we can literally say anything to each other, completely bared and honest, with tears in our eyes, and we understand.  No matter what has happened before, no matter the mistakes, the choices, the compromises, or even the highlights, and great moments…we are choosing each other.  Period.  The choice has been made.  We are all in.

It is the first time ever in my life where I feel like I’m being told the truth.  He tells me things maybe he shouldn’t…but I’d rather have that than someone trying to impress me or being what he thinks I want to “get me”.  NO.  Harry is real.  If he’s anything he is REAL.

Friday all we could do was kiss.  Saturday we were domestic.  And Sunday we were each other’s best friend having one of our 3.5 hour lunches.  When he left on Sunday we were chatting and this was our conversation.

Harry: I didn’t think I could still get butterflies at 40
Livvy: let’s get real….you’re 43. 😉 Remember after we had our first kiss and before the lightning and the thunder?…kissing on the way home in your truck…..I felt like my body was turning inside out. I didn’t think that would ever happen to me either. And then for it to get better and better and better? Not POSSIBLE…
Harry: But it did
Livvy: yes yes yes it did…
Harry: I think I love u more on days like this. I swear I’m not gay
Livvy: hahaha…it almost feels like a different relationship…maybe we are cheating on each other with each other 😉
Harry: 🙂 good observation.  Nice

I don’t know, maybe that is one of the keys to a good relationship?  You find in one person a fit for many of your needs and meeting them seems effortless.  It just happens and catches you both by surprise.

Harry and I did not set out to fall in love.  Sure there was attraction, friendly banter, but love?  No.  Big surprise.

I’ve never had everything change cataclysmically with one kiss.  But that day I first kissed Harry – everything changed.  Including the dream I have for me.

My fantasy now…is me anywhere I can be with Harry.

But for some reason it includes him working on some project in his woodshop out back and me making us a dinner he loves and setting the table on our porch.  He comes in all hot and sweaty with beer breath (call me weird I like beer breath) and I kiss him and pat him on the butt telling him to hurry with his shower cause dinner is almost done.  He comes down and I hand him his drink just as the sun is setting on a hot summer day.  Music is playing in the background, good food is on the table and we eat, and laugh, and talk.  Some neighbors stop by and we eat more and talk til midnight with them, say good night and crash into bed leaving the dishes for the morning.  Nice…

And for some reason we are in a semi-rural area that is close to a big city.  I’m thinking northern coast with the big trees AND the ocean.  California?  Washington?  Where we can have our bit of culture along with our bit of privacy and land.  Where people want to come visit us and where we can close up shop and take off at a moments notice cause we have something important or not important to do.

I see him taking me in his arms and swinging me around to his favorite song or whisking me off to bed.  But definitely growing old together.  Definitely.

Who knows what will happen…it’s my dream and darn it I’m gonna dream it.

That’s what dreams are for…to give you something to hang onto and hope for.  I can’t hold onto a past that was never meant to be.  I have no interest in that whatsoever.  It’s almost to me like it never happened.  It was all just a big huge nightmare.  I’m glad it happened because it changed me.  But it’s like those dreams you have and they seem so real until you wake up and then they fade so fast that you wonder at one point if you ever dreamed it at all.  And then poof, they’re gone.  No real memory of them anymore.

I can honestly say I’m completely healed from the hurt of the last two years of my life.  I have not an ounce of bitterness or pain when it comes to the lies and betrayals I endured.  I remember some of the good, and know it was a good dream.  But I woke up and now I have a new dream that is maybe not a dream at all..

Maybe this time I’m awake and like the song says…”dreams are nothing more than wishes and a wish is just a dream, you wish to come true.”  Maybe this time my wish will come true.
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