This morning I couldn’t reach Harry. He’s usually online and we text back and forth or call each other and are basically “in touch” whenever we want. But today there was four hours where I couldn’t reach him and I have to admit I freaked a little. I’m embarrassed to admit it but I have to be honest…cause that’s what I do here.
He told me he was going to the gym to start working out in earnest. He calls it going Rambo. He’s a body-builder type and he lifts over 3oo lbs and the thought of it scares me. So he goes…and then nothing….no communication. I pictured him alone in some emergency room somewhere. I knew there would be a logical explanation. And honestly, I didn’t go mentally much further than that. But emotionally…it was pretty horrible.
Emotionally I was back wondering where in the world Martin could be for weekends when he went AWOL One time he told me he was at a pro-golf tournament with Tiger Woods and took a picture of a television screen thinking I would believe he was that close to the golfer. It was obvious to this photographer’s eye that he’d faked the shot. Then when I pressed him he sent a picture of a dinner he was at in a tent only he sent it as if he had just taken the picture and it was the wrong time of day. Then I found the metadata embedded in the image and it was clearly taken from an Olympus camera (which he didn’t own) three years before. Did he think I was an idiot? Maybe I was because realizing all of that was clearly manufactured, I accepted his excuse about being up in Wales with his daughter and not being able to get online…even though I fully knew that in order to have sent me those fake images he had to have had access to a computer. I simply chose to allow the lie because dealing with the ramifications of acknowledging it was too painful. Was I really that weak?
Love puts us in jeopardy to be a fool. And I was certainly a fool for Martin.
So not that I was churning it about in my brain…it’s just that emotionally that feeling of being made a total fool came back with a vengeance this morning and it didn’t really occur to me that Harry might be lying because I know him to be very honest and truthful with me. It’s just that there was that irrational fear…roaring in my gut. Making me feel a little bit sick because it was taunting me to imagine scenarios where he might be lying. I kept swapping those thoughts away knowing they were absurd. But like flies on a hot summer day, they kept buzzing about being a nuisance no matter how hard I tried to ignore them. I just needed to talk to Harry and everything would be fine.
After batting down the flies of doubt regarding his intentions then came the wave of doubts about my ability to be “good enough” to keep someone interested and around this time.
Was he avoiding me? Did I offend him? Did the fact that my friend and I went out shooting pool the night before make him jealous? (it would have Martin). Was the fact that a married man was hitting on me in a message on Facebook threatening him? I am clearly only interested in my Harry. Was I too much in love with him? Was I just simply too much for him?
I tried calling him, I tried messaging him. I stopped. I took a shower. I checked, and called again. And then I got mad at myself for being “one of those girlfriends.” What in the world was I doing? He was a busy guy. He was allowed to make a move without my knowledge. He does it everyday…why was today different?
And then there he was. “Hi” bing.
I asked him if I was going to get to see him today. He said yes without hesitation. I asked when and he said an hour and half or sooner. It was sooner. I asked for how long and he said 3-4 hours. It was 5. I said, “really?” And he said he wanted to hang out and go shopping with me and shoot some pool if that was okay…
Was that okay? HAHA….He actually wanted to spend more time with me not less.
Stupid woman. Doing normal stuff? Yes! And it was his idea? Yes!
And then something magical happened.
We went to Sam’s Club.
I know…it doesn’t sound that great. But trust me. For all you single women out there who have done “it all on your own for forever”…I’m just used to managing. I don’t assume anyone wants to help me ever. And yet it occurred to me once we got there that he could help me with the dog food bag. It weighs 50 lbs and yes I’m in shape…but yes I also have a bad back. And it is almost comical to watch me lift that sucker into my cart and then into my car. I’ve actually looked around in the past hoping some strong person would catch a glimpse of my true struggle and offer their assistance. It’s happened only once in three years. Usually I’m on my own. And it sucks. But today, he just did it. He made it look easy. Boom…into the cart it went. And then boom into the back of his truck. And I just stopped and watched him do it like it was nothing, but as I watched him, I saw myself in month’s past struggling. Literally heaving and using all my leverage to get that bag up and over and safely stowed in my car. And I said, “You know how long it’s been since anyone helped me like this?” It melted me.
As simple as it was for him to do, he got how important it was for me. I started to walk around to the other side of the truck and he said, “Hey, come here…” I thought he was mad at me at first cause he said it so loud. But as I got close to him I realized he had melted too.
He reached his arm around the small of my back and pulled me in close and kissed me like only he does, right there in the Sam’s Club parking lot. So amazingly awesome. And I thought…”Yeah, I can do this forever. This is going to be just fine with me.”
Next it was the water bottles and the water jugs and he brought it all into the house and then helped my son with a chore in the backyard. Someone was really there helping me with normal stuff.
Then we went and played some pool which I creamed him at. But I know with practice he’ll get better. But he handled me winning very well. And we had fun. And we were mellow and talked and laughed and it was a very nice kick back time. And then we went home store shopping just for fun…and we agreed on nearly everything about what we liked and didn’t like at ZGallerie.
“This is cool, this is lame, that’s nice…who’s your favorite artist?”…and the amazingly great conversation just kept happening…
And I thought…wow, this is what normal dating couples do. They hang out and have nice days. THIS…I can handle. And I was all of a sudden terribly sorry for my freak out earlier in the day.
In twelve hours he’s coming to church with me and the kids. And I just can’t help thinking…this is what it’s supposed to be like.
It’s the little things that make everything work. And the big things…but the little things after the big things are key. And this big giant of a guy has the little things down.