Harry’s life has been hell lately. There is no other appropriate word to describe it. And I’ve been missing him. Whenever we do connect there is this tenderness to our interaction that makes me melt.
Now, I know I’ve been in love before. And I know the love I shared with Martin was real. But…there is something going on here that is different. All the times before, I’ve fallen in love with a soul’s sweetness (and it didn’t always stay that way.) With Harry? I’ve fallen in love with his strength and intellect and manliness (these qualities don’t change as readily.) I can’t describe it any other way. Falling in love with a man who understands his role and wants a woman who is all woman is new to me. And it feels right. I’m drawn to it like nothing I’ve been drawn to before. It’s an amazing feeling.
It’s been a little struggle to connect lately though because he is so very busy and I have been missing him. When it’s quiet in my house and I’m not distracted by work or the kids I like to think about what he means to me. Yesterday I wrote him this note and I wanted to post it because it blows me away that this is reality for my life. He is reality in my life. And he loves me. And I’m grateful.
In a perfect world we would be…many things that we aren’t. But perfect worlds don’t exist do they? So we are just who we are. Flawed souls longing to do good; to help, to nurture, to love, to support, to earn. We want to get and give back. Hopefully in relatively equal parts.
No, a perfect world doesn’t exist. But we do. And I love you, in part, because of your lack of perfection. Your aging skin, your bald head; the ridges in your tongue and redness in your tired beautiful blue eyes. I love you because you are willing. You are more willing than most to stick your neck out and be counted. You fess up when you make a mistake and you work your ass off to make things right. I love you because you are thoughtful and while at times in your life you’ve acted impulsively and audaciously…deep in your core you crave for a life of greatness, self-sacrifice, and honor. I know this because what you admire most oozes these character traits. As a realist you have adapted at times to survive…sometimes in despair thinking that your dream was unreachable.
When I first met you, you seemed without much hope. Almost as if you were spinning your wheels heading for a prize that kept seeming further and further away. A prize, like a mirage, that kept changing shape. One that you questioned if you even wanted in the first place. When you and I started to open up to the possibility of each other you started seeing a new picture and that seemed to give you new hope for a different future and it gave you a little more strength and focus. It helped me knowing I could inspire anyone to anything. It helped me believe again that two people could in fact lift each other up instead of drag each other down.
I love you for what you show me, for what I can learn from you, for the ways you challenge me to be a better me. You are the first and only man who has ever made me truly want to be a better woman. I can prove this because I have never agreed or even desired to do ironing for anyone. But you? I know that seems silly, but I want to serve you. And I think maybe it’s because you are the first man in my life that I feel is worthy of that honor.
It is not enough to say you rock my world, even though you do. It is not enough to say you turn me on, even though it’s more than I ever thought possible. It’s more. You are more.
It is as if you are the beginning, middle, and end of a storm. Your looming clouds are beautiful, and awe-inspiring. The way you fill a room with your presence. It makes people nervous and yet attracts them all at the same time. Your passion and tenacity have such utter strength you leave a mark wherever you go, for better or worse. It’s an experience, a ride, an incredible tale of chaos and spontaneity not many can match or keep up with. I am at your will – incapable of my usual command. Most are. You leave, sometimes a trail of debris in your wake; but always a changed landscape that will never be the same again. I will never be the same again. Ever.
When you leave me I honestly walk around in stunned silence wondering what just happened to me but feeling a peace, and calm, and a longing for more than I’ve ever felt before in my life. I think it is a love that is at the deepest level. It is primal, rooted in something otherworldly, something before us but part of us.
You, Harry, are my heart. Forever and always, no matter what happens in our lives to bring us together or take us apart. I want what is best for you. I want what is best for me. And hopefully, that will be what becomes “us.”
If I could choose one person to go with me into a dungeon, a torture chamber, to complete a cunning and most difficult intellectual test, or complete the most grueling and difficult maze… it would be you.
So the ups and the downs, the highlights and the frustrations, the times we can come together and the times we are apart…it is all part of our story. Hopefully, it will be a very, very, long and beautiful story.
I love you,
This letter may have seemed corny or too romantic to some. But it is my heart. I’ve watched this man deal with incredible stress and behave with grace, treat me with tenderness, and yet be as strong as is necessary to keep hold of the reigns without getting off track. I love him.