This is Different

Ever feel like you’re going to burst if you don’t tell someone some good news?  “I got the job!”, “I’m pregnant!” , “I got an 100% on the test!”  You have your go-to-peeps that hear it first, but then you splash it all over Facebook so everybody knows!

I’m dying a bit lately cause Harry and I have over 100 mutual friends on Facebook and we’re pretty much keeping our relationship under the radar.  So I can’t say anything about us and I’m a pretty avid Facebook user.  I like to spill.  Not all the details of my life but big things, like “I’m in love!”

I’m in this horribly sickening period where I’m oozing sticky sweet syrupy sentiments to my nearest and dearest friends.  I’m sure they’re sick of hearing about Harry at this point.  But because he is so terribly busy only my children and two friends have actually met him.

My family is chomping at the bit.  And it’ll come in time, maybe as early as this weekend.

I’m caring a lot less about what other people think of Harry and me being together and in love.  How fast or slow we’re going and all the rest of it.  I couldn’t care less.  All that matters is what we feel and think.  But it is going to be fun revealing him.

On the surface we look so dang different.  He’s  a big 6’1″,  I’m a little 5’2″.  He’s strong, I’m a twig.  He’s casual and easy-going, I’m miss prim and proper.  It’s just going to blow people away to see us together visually.  For people who know us and our backgrounds and histories, we are also almost as opposite as you can get there as well.  It will give people who know us reason to pause if not gasp.

But in our hearts, we are kindred spirits.  We value many of the same things, we like many of the same things.  We are both sentimental and driven by goals.  We like to be a little crazy and fun but are responsible adults.  And we are both enjoying each other’s companionship more than we could have ever imagined.

Other people won’t see that right away.  But in time they will.  I’m convinced we are good together.  There is no denying it.  So I’m rolling with it and am excited to see where it goes.  I have a feeling it’s going to be good for a very long time.

Realizing that my son is now 18 and on his way to college next year and my daughter is soon behind him the very next year has given me perspective on their role as well.  I want them to like him, and I want them to get a sense of family wherever I am.  But they are going to soon be adults with their own lives.  And I have to be happy with mine.

When I was introducing my family to Martin I was nervous.  He was a stranger in almost every sense of the word.  A foreigner, older, very polite, very different from what they were used to.  With Harry, he’s from our hood.  He speaks their language and has the same dry, sarcastic humor.  I know they’re going to love him.   I’m not worried at all.

I’m just sooo there.

But wherever there is….I’m pretty much camped out and have set up house.  Not moving from there anytime soon.  I’m settling in,  sitting back with a big sigh, enjoying the peace of knowing I’m there.  No bombs exploding in my face, no earthquakes, no tornadoes.  Just a quiet summer’s afternoon where the busyness and worries of life are forgotten each and every time I’m in his presence.

He sometimes still asks, “Why me?” …simply put, I look up to him.

Let’s face it after a man lies to your face, gives you a fake ring because he’s actually still married…and gives you the runaround blaming everything on you when his life falls apart instead of owning up to the mess he made for himself…its hard to show respect.

It’s hard to respect a man who promised to love and provide for you his entire life and then watch him run out on his family and lose his job because of an affair.

Respect and trust make or break a relationship for me.  I’ve been burned.  Harsh.  And I’m risking a lot letting Harry into my world.  He knows this.  Neither one of us want to mess things up.  I’m trying really hard not to be that girl who waits for the other shoe to drop.  I want to be the girl who infects a man in a positive way and doesn’t spoil a perfectly good relationship with fear and negativity.

In every relationship I’ve ever had there was this place deep inside where doubt would reside.  Every now and then I’d find myself wandering into that room and hearing myself say, “What are you thinking?  What about this and this and that!”  With Harry there are things he’s shared in the story of his life that should give me pause.  Impulsive decisions he’s made in the past.  His very nature at times.

But here’s the thing…this is what makes it all different.

My ex-husband projected an image of near perfection.  For 23 years.  And then the bomb went off in my life.  It was all a sham.

Martin projected an image of pure devotion but the 200% level of confidence and undying love he supposedly had melted into ether as soon as I found out he was still married and was talking about me behind my back to my family.

Both of those men wanted me to think they were perfect for me.  But facades just look good on the outside.  Behind them is nothing worth anything.

Harry is the opposite.  He has been behaving much like I do normally.  He is giving me all the reasons to walk away.  “But I do this, and that, and I’m not good at this.  Are you sure you want to be with me?”

THAT is my role.  And because I’ve done that in the past I know exactly where he is coming from.

He doesn’t want to get hurt and he doesn’t want to be in a false relationship.  He wants me to know what I’m getting myself into.  Because he wants it to be real.  And THAT I respect enormously.

Perhaps it comes from a place of insecurity, but I’d rather have someone be honest with me and upfront than someone set on pulling the wool over my eyes only to disappointment in the end!

Perfection does not exist.  We’re in our mid-forties.  Life happens.  Mistakes made.

Harry is telling me that he is scared at how much he loves me. He’s scared because he knows his toes are curling the edge of the high-dive board.  And everything in his being is telling him to jump.  He knows once he does there is really no turning back.  So that pool better be ready for what it’s going to get.  He doesn’t want to shatter into a million pieces.  I’ve been there.

I was there on that diving board with Martin.  I told him every bad thing about me I could think of.  Spoke of my temper, and weaknesses.  I wanted him to be sure he knew what he was moving 6000 miles for.  And I know I loved Martin honestly.  That honest love was not returned.  I felt like I dove in thinking the pool was deep but when my head smashed the bottom hard…well…I know what it’s like to be shattered.

It’s part of digging deeper.  We both want this to be the last first time.  Our last first kiss ever.  We want 40 years if possible.

If we can keep telling each other the truth and give each other honor and respect I know we’ll last.  Because everything else is there.  We are there.  And this time…it’s going to be different.  It already is.


2 responses to “This is Different

  1. First, you are 5’2? I swear I thought you were at least 5’7 for some reason 😉 I am 5’3′ so I totally get that hehe! And I LOVE how opposite you two are in many ways, but so ON THE SAME PAGE in just as many ways too. And that you are SO there. When a couple months ago, you had no idea that this could possibly happen. that you could love, trust and be this happy again. Amazing.

    • yep I’m a pip squeak! And life does have a way of surprising me often. I guess I named my blog write…it’s definitely been an improvised life.

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