I’m the queen of testing. Someone tells me they love me? Really? For real. You think so? But what if I do this? or this or…that? I grew up in a home where there were fights. Frequent, knock down drag out fights where the entire household would be burdened with trying to “make peace”. There would be fists flying, words slung, tears..many tears shed. And after it all, there would be hugs. And pledges of love. A bruise here. A bruise there. Love? Really? 90% of the time yes. Real, dedicated, unconditional love. Big giant hugs after horrendous fights.
I couldn’t believe someone could love ME. Not enough to do things right. Not enough to restrain from normal behavior to honor me…to love me. And if they did…would it last? I pushed my ex. After we were married I pushed. “How about now? After I do this? Do you still love me now?”
But I’ve learned. And I don’t want that kind of love anymore. I don’t want power plays and games I just want…true, abiding, love.
I completely freaked out one day after I got home from school and walked into our apartment in 1992. My husband who I would love FOREVER. But would he? What if I did this or that or even THAT?
I wanted so desperately for there to be no threshold. No condition. Nothing that could get between success.
But now. I understand that we are human beings. And God is the only one who can unconditionally love us. He models it…we are to strive toward it. But we will fail. Cause we are selfish creatures by nature. And a person can be pushed only so far.
So…here I am.
There is this great, and wonderful man who has had lots of things happen to him over his 43 years. Things that taught him to protect himself at the same time get what he needed and wanted.
Every company you work for has a style guide in my business. You do headlines this way, and photos that way. There are rules. He doesn’t like to say he follows rules but he does. His own. There are a million IF/THEN statements running around in his head. If she does this then I will do that. But you know….? You want to fail, you’ll fail.
Harry and I have never been one for power trips and playing games. And if he thinks those games will work with me he really doesn’t know who I am or what I’m made of.
But like I said before it’s really hard to mesh two adult lives together.
Cause if you push too much you become how you describe yourself. And what seemed theoretical before now seems not only plausible but highly possible.
So if you want it to come true… it will.
I suck at trust…I will panic…you will think I’m a loser. I will LET YOU DOWN….ok…if you say it enough…I’ll believe you.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy for a person who has an inferiority complex.
If you want me to believe you? Then baby…I can’t say anything, cause I’ve always wanted to believe every word you say…?
…I know what I think in my head about myself is NOT TRUE. So I hate to think that what is rattling around in yours is authentic or valid.
My two cents for the evening. Just too much thinking perhaps. G’night.