This human emotion thing sucks. Someone told me I needed to get out of the house and hang with someone other than my kids and close friends. This someone was cute, strong and sexy. And so I said ok. And I got more than I bargained for. I spent the evening arguing with Mercenary Guy why we are not a good pair. God bless him he really is a good guy. And he probably would never have lied to me and would never have left me. And I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do what? Any of it. I couldn’t trust that it would be okay, I couldn’t risk my heart. I just couldn’t.
Maybe there were things I knew would go wrong like I wrote about. Or maybe I was just a coward like he said. But he didn’t know how to do anything but push. He wasn’t patient. And apparently my pace was too slow for him. What do they say, fools rush in? He was definitely a dive in head first kind of guy. He fell hard with complete abandon. I watched it and didn’t believe it. He said that my low self-esteem wouldn’t deter him. He said he was up for the fight and would stick it out. My kids liked him. But I couldn’t do it. He called me a coward? So be it. I guess I am.
I remember standing in this room I’m in now, begging my husband to not make a fool of me for standing by him. Listening to him tell me he would never lie to me. I remember the same with Martin just about. I gave those two men all of me. I was a fool. I judged so badly. I was naïve as one of my friends puts it. Naive and I also act as if everyone has the same maturity level and value system as me. I can’t fathom anything else.
But now I’m gun-shy in the realist truest way possible or maybe I’m just smarter? Either way I am breaking someone’s heart and I’m sorry for that. Tonight was a sucky night. I don’t want to be a fool anymore. What if the waiting and being friends first thing DOES work. I just have to see.