It’s that darn sock analogy I keep thinking of in my head tonight. Those lonely socks looking for their match. Mercenary Guy was a good guy but he was not a match for me. He was lonely. I was certainly lonely but as our interactions played out there was a tension. He naturally would think one way and I would naturally think another. And I could chalk it all up to at least we had some fun and laughs and got some adult human interaction for a while. But that would be treating it too cavalier. He bared his soul to me and he reached out. I’m the one who said no. It was too much too soon. Maybe I really am not ready.
I told myself and I wrote in the last blog that I was not going to push myself to be braver than I felt comfortable. And I gave it shot. But I had to be true to myself first. So I’m sure he’s mad at me right now. Hopefully he will be able to see that I saved him from worse heartache had it gone on longer. But it still sucks to hurt. It sucks to be lonely. Four dates.
So now I feel like the rest of the planet. Have some dates and think maybe but not every one is going to fit. So you have to be a grown up and move on.
Even though I know I’ve done the right thing…since October…sometimes I miss my happy façade of a life with you-know-who. Someday it won’t hurt so deep. But I know it still does and I’m just pushing it down.
The kids and I were at a local burger place tonight for dinner. A song started playing and I started unconsciously shaking my head no. My daughter saw and asked why I was doing that. I don’t know where it came from. I just started to ball. One of those hiccup cries where it all comes out so fast you can’t stop it in time. And I just said, “It makes me think of his stupid bald head bopping up and down like a Muppet. He loved this song.” Stupid.
My daughter pulled my head into her chest and told me she was sorry. I sucked it up and we kept eating.
I’m not getting soft again. I feel stupid sometimes for thinking he could be replaced though and I feel stupid for still loving him after everything he did.
I just couldn’t give this guy my heart nor should I cause it was all wrong. I see that clearly now. And I confirmed something more and that is that this dating thing is really kind of a scary place to live. I knew I wouldn’t like it and I don’t.