My friend was down this weekend for a half-marathon where she got a personal best and averaged a pace of 9:33 for the 13.1 mile run. I was in awe of her drive and determination. The run was at Disneyland and while her motivation was speed, her friend who was also in the race got distracted by the Disney characters, music, and attractions along the way. She stopped several times for pictures and finished far behind. Her motivation was to enjoy the experience and take it all in.
There is no right way or wrong way when you look at it. It depends on your goal. As a single woman is my goal to be alone? Is it to NOT be alone? If it was, I could do something this minute to ensure that I had a man by my side. If my goal is to be married, I could work out that probably too.
These last few months I’ve had a lot of time to think about what my motivation is. What is my goal? Other than trying to make each decision in a godly way, I do believe it is up to me to decide what I want.
I met up with the two ladies after their run and we were met by an old high school friend. My friend and he had been chatting and hadn’t seen each other in 25 years. It was fun to catch up and laugh. Meeting in a group took the pressure off. But while sitting in a lounge at the Grand California Hotel, I was acutely aware when my kids got home from the weekend with their dad. It was hard to hear the conversation in the loud room and my mind wandered. Both my kids texted me that they were fine and to enjoy myself, but I wished I were home with them. I did try to engage, but I got bored.
I realized I would be far happier in my sweats watching a good flick with people I love than sitting in a lounge making small talk with people I barely know (my friend aside). In the end I did laugh and enjoyed myself as best as I could. But I really wasn’t into it.
As I walked in the door at ten minutes to midnight my son greeted me with messy hair and tired smile. “Why are you up? You should be in bed silly!”
“I wanted to say hi to you.”
He lingered as I grabbed some crackers for a late night snack and tried to unwind. He brought out a new pea coat he got from his dad off the clearance rack. He told me stories about his weekend. We walked up the stairs together.
While I was changing he knocked on the door and said, “I don’t know why but I wanted to say good night again.” And he gave me a big hug. And I asked him if he missed me and he said yeah, I guess.
I told him I loved him and we said good night again. He came back in my room one more time when he remembered something else he wanted to share and I put my head down on the pillow thinking…THIS is my motivation.
No matter how I look at it, until they move out and find lives of their own. My number one job is to be there for them. I’m mommy, even though he’s 17 years old. I’m other things too, but I’m mommy first.
So whatever I do I must be a good example to them. And I don’t have to run this race for speed. Time is my friend. Time will help determine what the right course of action for me is. And right now I’m content to wait it out.