The Morning After

Who am I?  Where am I?  Am I even in the same room I’ve slept in for the last 11 years?  It’s amazing how shifting 20 inches changes your perspective.

I purposefully placed myself in the middle of the bed last night for sleep.  If you’re wondering why you can read yesterday’s post.  I was compelled to see if it would have any effect on my psyche.

With book in hand my first dilemma was which nightstand lamp to use.  So I turned on both.  Then, I realized if I had some water I would be too far away from it to grab a sip.  There are benefits to being on one side or the other apparently.  I did notice how much more firm the middle of the bed was in my 15-year-old mattress.  I have my nice little sunken in part I fit into perfectly on the left.  I felt taller on the hump in the middle.  And I felt a little bold.  Like going into the middle of the ice rink instead of hanging onto the railing on the edge.  The whole room looked different to me.  And yes, it could have been because it was clean and I put newly cleaned sheets on my bed.  But still.  It seriously was odd feeling.

In the morning, the first thing I noticed was that the bed was messier.  The covers were all over the place instead of just on my little side.  And I probably would have felt like it was a complete triumph had it not been for my bad dream.

I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember I was on a cruise ship and that ship was being chased by two gigantically evil whales.  Of course it was stormy and the waves were choppy.  I remember  a wall with pipes going up from floor to ceiling and wrapping my arms around them interlocking my fingers so I wouldn’t get swept off the boat.  I remember being terrified.  I call them whales but they could have been sharks or a fantastic cross between the two from my imagination.  Usually in dreams where I’m scared because of being chased,  I try to warn other people to be safe.  But this dream, I don’t remember any other people.  I was alone.  Fitting.

I have been on two cruises in my life.  I had a great time on both.  But unbeknownst to me, on both, I was being deceived by the men I was with.  My husband texting his mistress that he missed her.  My fiancé calling and emailing a friend trying to figure out how to leave me.  I still don’t know why, but my thinking is he knew already he did not have the job, knew he was still married, when he had told me he wasn’t, and his colleague was trying to convince him that I and moving to America was a lost cause and a bad idea.  It took him a year and two months from that point to finally confront the truth.  But I digress.

I have great memories from both trips.  Sadly my reality was not the true and complete reality.  As was most of my time spent in relationships with men (no bitterness intended).  Which brings us back to why I was sprawling out in the middle of my bed – alone.

Maybe in the middle I felt vulnerable and that is where the dream came from and it wasn’t about my ex or Martin at all.  Or maybe dreams don’t make as much sense as we like to think and it’s just a nonsensical jumble or angst somehow being worked out in our subconscious.

What I do know is that despite the dream, last night was another step in the direction of clarity.  Why act like I’m married and continue the habit of sleeping on only the left side of the bed when I am in fact single and have this nice bed all to myself?  It’s a step toward acceptance of that reality in my life.  And I may go back to sleeping on the left only because it is more convenient for this coffee drinking, glasses wearing, book reading girl.  But the wall has come down because of what I did last night.  I literally avoided the right hand side of the bed before.  And I have now reclaimed it.

As silly as that sounds.  It was a big step for me.  And I woke up this morning, happily, with no regrets.  Alone.  In the comfort of MY own messy and lumpy bed.  I said my prayers of thanks for God seeing me through this long journey I have not wanted but find myself on.  And I literally kind of hugged my pillow, lifted my head, and am ready to face this new day.